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You know you're in a blue state when a no kill animal shelter is on the same block as the abortion clinic.
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01-19-2020 09:01
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What happens when 2 Egyptians pass gas at the same time? They have a toot in common.
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01-19-2020 09:00
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Took some ex-lax cookies to work for Valentines. With friends like me, who needs enemas?
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01-19-2020 08:56
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl........eat this mouse.
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01-19-2020 08:49
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93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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01-19-2020 08:48
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Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
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01-19-2020 08:48
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me
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01-19-2020 08:42
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I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.
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01-19-2020 08:41
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Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects
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01-19-2020 08:40
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I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
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01-19-2020 08:40
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It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
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01-19-2020 08:39
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a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
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01-19-2020 08:25
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"Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"
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01-19-2020 08:24
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I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
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01-19-2020 08:23
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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01-19-2020 08:22
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Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
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01-19-2020 08:22
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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
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01-19-2020 08:21
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"Hey. My eye is up here." - hurricanes
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01-19-2020 08:11
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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01-19-2020 08:10
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
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01-19-2020 08:09
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