Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.

   Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it?

   Alcohol can cause Depression..Particularly, when you run out of it

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some of that $h!+.

   There's probably a guy named Jake who works at State Farm who's had it with all the khaki jokes and is about to go postal.

   Then: Teenage girls kept a private diary and got upset if anyone read it. Now: They reveal everything on Facebook and get upset if no one reads it.

   I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?

   The difference between drinking on St. Patrick's Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is that nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   Why do people post things like "my little baby died", playing on your sympathy, and it turns out to be a frigging goldfish.

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   I'm watching a little known show on Netflix called Tearjerker. It's about a guy who cries while he m@sturbates.

   Fear of Corona is on the decline....... Release the Murder Hornets.

   I remember when I was younger you use to be able to eat at restaurants.

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!

   I planted some bird seeds at home so does anybody know how long it takes for the birds to grow

   Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of me to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps

   Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at a time

   Locust swarms. Killer ninja murder hornets. Virus pandemics. You were complaining about Christmas music

   Pavlov is sitting in a bar and the phone rings. Suddenly he screams “Oh crap! I forgot to feed the dogs!“

   If you drive by my house and see a bunch of kids scooping dog poop, mind your business. They're on a field trip