Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Broccoli: “I look like a tree.” Walnut: “I look like a brain.” Mushroom: “I look like an umbrella.” Banana: “Dude?! Change the topic!”

   As a guy I think you can learn so much by listening to two women talk to each other..Unless they are talking about periods then you just need to excuse yourself...Cuz some mysteries should remain unsolved...

   if someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my ass?

   1 MLB Baseball bat = $175.00, 52 HR Balls = $885.30, Winning the MLB HR Derby with your dad pitching = PRICELESS!

   I am enjoying a threesome - Me, My Couch & My TV

   Best Catch At The Home Run Derby Of All Time! Dude jumps from a ledge that's a few feet above a pool that's in right field, catches the ball, and lands in the pool! WINNING!

   when I die.... my older posts will keep you entertained forever.

   ‎"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" - Dr. Seuss

   ■Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

   I wonder if Facebook farmers have sex with their Farmville sheep, and 'like' it.

   it is so hot I saw a bird use potholders to remove a worm from the ground

   When people tell other couples that they aren't in love, makes me laugh. love is a word you define yourself, don't let a dictionary definition express the way you feel - Brandon Markovich

   Always believe a woman when she says, "You don't want to know."

   After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.

   Two things define your Personality, The way you manage things when you have nothing. The way you behave when you have everything.

   'Everyday I'm shufflin!' Wait no, except on Fridays. I gotta get down on Fridays.

   Difference between promises and memories? We break promises, and our memories break us.

   If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

   I ran out of deodorant this morning and tried my wife's Secret deodorant and I can tell you fella's it really is "strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman."

   Now I heard women have like a sixth sense to tell what a guy is thinking about..And I wanna see if its true...So what am I thinking abou tright now??...(. )( .)...Give up??