Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at first you don't succeed, sigh, sigh again.

   It's amazing how a blue fish with memory trouble can be such a great motivational speaker! "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming".

   Maybe she's born with it... Maybe it's Maybelline. Or maybe it's Photoshop

   aww. you need to wipe your mouth sweetheart, you've got some bull ish on your lips.

   as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn

   Hey person that always has to make a comment that ruins my status, f*ck off! You're just jealous that I came up with a better status than you.

   When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up its the same thing as having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.

   I love meeting new people until they say something stupid. Most of my friendships last about 3 minutes.

   You never can reallly know if a person actually said a quote or not. -Abraham Lincoln

   "If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son I got 99 problems but a b!tch ain't one" -Abraham Lincoln

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say “go for it”

   Why don't people ever hoard good stuff? I if I were a hoarder, I'd have a house full of cupcakes and slip-n-slides.

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried.

   I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay, the mice throw themselves on the traps.

   Excuses are like backsides. Everybody's got one and they all stink.

   I have planned to be very spontaneous today

   The future is not a place where you go, It's a place you create.

   Whenever I see a fat kid walking I think to myself "why walk when you could just roll"?

   Don't you dare come back running to me when you get treated the exact same way you treated me.