Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That rather uncomfortable moment when you see a really really really ugly person and you thank god that the person can't read minds.

   (Login to Facebook)...(No NEW notifications/messages/requests)....(Checks News Feed,..Nothing interesting)....(LOG OFF).......(Repeats in the next 7 minutes)

   When humans mutilate and dismember each other in movies it's Rated R, but apparently when Autobots and Decepticons do it it's PG-13.

   Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling rolling around in a pile of money, then snorting it.

   No one ever is as good looking as his/her profile pic, and as ugly as his/her driving license.

   This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".

   ‎Some girls are angels and some are devils smart enough to look like one

   Batman. Not because I have to be. Now because I choose to be.

   In my next life, I pray Zinggers don't taste so good.

   If I have to explain one more time why I'm wearing a cast, I'm writing "Attacked by Ninjas" on it!

   Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal... It makes them soggy and hard to light.

   Who ever decided that a 1" mars bar should be called fun size must be stupid .. seriously .. when is anything that is only 1" long fun. I mean come on, you need at least half a dozen to fulfil your needs

   (Insert depressing and melancholy observations, complaints and status updates in this box.)

   J-Lo's Checklist: ✓Sean Combs ✓Cris Judd ✓Ben Affleck ✓Marc Anthony __Simon Fuller __Randy Jackson __Steven Tyler __Flavor Flav

   I wish they made a “no soliciting” sign for the phone!

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, thew shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed

   I don't have pet peeves-I have major psychotic f##cking hatreds!!!

   I have washboard abs. They just happen to have a little laundry on them...

   OK-all those that believe in psyco kinesis raise my hand

   saw Harry Potter at midnight last night. LOL JK, I have a life.