Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're a size 0 we shouldn't be able to see you.

   If you want me to walk a mile in your shoes, you're going to have to buy the Dr. Scholls inner soles, ointments and powders

   Today is Moon Day and Ugly Truck Day. So if you own an Ugly Truck, please feel free to Moon people today, but for safety's sake please only do it at red lights.

   Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?

   I follow my wife around with my XBox controller in my hand while she cooks and cleans, I call it SIM B*tch!!

   wondering if Les Miles thinks he should have taken that job at Michigan...

   I get to curse like a sailor because my mommy drinks like one

   Only if you held me like you held your pride, we would still be together to this day.

   I am the kind of guy who will call you on your landline and ask you if you are at home.

   When my phone falls, I panic. When my friend falls, I laugh my a$$ off.

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've screwed" group. Really sorry guys.

   Sticking a tongue out is kids' way of giving someone the middle-finger.

   my handheld social networking device is ringing! what do I do?.

   This status update you are reading is brought to you by your psychological addiction to Facebook. If you don't believe you are an addict, then why did you finish reading this status update......?

   Ever get the feeling you're living in a snowglobe someone won't stop shaking?

   DIET= Do I Eat That...

   “Defeat is a state of mind; no one is ever defeated until defeat has been accepted as a reality.” -Bruce Lee

   Got a new puppy, due to an accident he has no legs, we named him Stay. He has only learned 1 trick.

   told my son he should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, he responded by asking me if I drink beer for the electrolytes

   utilizing a fake phone call to avoid being solicited at the pump.