Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep your guests on their toes by disabling the flush mechanism on all the toilets in your house and filling the medicine cabinets with marbles.

   Just when I start to think mankind will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 15 minutes.

   I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.

   They say 50% of status updates are written while sitting on the toilet… that's why I don't buy used mobiles.

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   I just found out that a married couple I know share the same birthday with each other. I said "WOW, Twins!". They said "Uh, nooo..." I said, "Then why are your kids so stupid?"

   Well, Just crossed something else off my bucket list. I didn't do it I just got to damn old to do it.

   Sometimes I talk to a strangers like we're old friends and then hope that they walk away thinking "Where the hell do I know that guy from?"

   Hot weather drinking tip: Consume a fist full of aspirin, down a bottle of vodka and go stand out in the sun for about seven hours. Its fun

   house shoes...check....pajama bottoms...check....tank tops with no bra....check....Yep, I'm at Wal-Mart!

   Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.

   The best things in life are free……for the first 90 days.

   You can't win. I'm better at this than you are.

   A lot of people constantly complain about Monday's, Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the worst part of the week, I have discovered that with the right mix of Jack Daniels and sleeping pills those days no longer have to happen.

   INSTALLING RAIN FOR TEXAS ████ 44% DONE... please wait. Installation failed. Please try again.404 error:Rain not found. Weather "Rain" cannot be located. The weather you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed or temp. unavai

   can't spell "female" without "fml"..

   When life hands you lemons, make apple cider. Because life will be expecting you to make lemonade, so you'll have the element of surprise. Then you can be all "yeahhhh son, whatchu got now, life?? Nothing! You got nothing!"

   Arguing with your Boss is like fighting a pig in mud. In the end , you will get dirty and he actually enjoys it.

   Inception just umm... my head kind of... I hope this isn't a dream...

   Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.