Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Better to go in one ear and out the other than in one ear and out the mouth.

   Beware of people who tell you to "get a life". They may want the one you already have.

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've f*****.." group, sorry..

   If you spend the rest of your life trying to make up for past mistakes, there won't be any time to make any new ones.

   I live on the corner of Funny Street and Silly Road,in Crazy Town which is in Physco Valley,in a twisted state of mind!

   There's no law against sticking to your guns, but make sure you've loaded your brain before you start firing off your mouth.

   I think we need to send our prayers out to the real victim of Amy Winehouse death..... her dealer , that dude just lost a lot of business

   OUCH!!! I just got bit by a Horse Fly with an over bite!!

   Columbus was 48 yrs old when he discovered​ America.. I waz 13 yrs old when I discovered​ `Naughty America'

   Jeez it's hot again...Today I've opted to wear my Dyson Air Multiplier around my neck!

   A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

   A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof!

   I can't take you seriously if your skirt is so short I can see your tampon string

   I wonder if Captain America had to borrow money from Captain China to get the movie done

   Tupac died because he lived the thug life. This 12 pack is going to die because I live the chug life.

   I mixed a chunk of poop into the dog's shampoo so he wouldn't feel obligated to roll around in anything stinky after his bath.

   If after many drinks, and she still looks ugly, put a flag on her head and do it for your country.

   Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and now Amy Winehouse, all died at 27. So only 10 more years of Justin Bieber

   The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old.

   There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.