Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am glad I am American, and I am glad that I am free, but I wish I was a dog, and Obama was a tree.

   We get it. Female without the vowels is FML. Enough.

   This is the kind of heat that causes Rob Thomas and Santana to collaborate.

   Sometimes, in a relationship, there comes a time you have to quit bullsh*tting and just shut up, swallow your pride, accept that you are wrong and apologize. It's not giving up, it's called growing up.

   I am all for small talk but that does not mean you can initiate a chat with me and bore me to death.

   Whenever someone posts something like, “Just went on a massive friend-deleting spree!,” I'm never quite sure whether to feel like a winner for making the cut or a loser for having friends lame e

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison

   I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

   GRAPEVINE??? lol Noooope I heard it through FACEBOOK lololol

   I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from Harry Potter. When your best friend gets the girl, bang his sister instead!

   OCCUPATION: Bullsh*t Recognition Specialist.

   I am not a mirror: I see you completely differently from the way you see yourself. Bear that in mind next time you want to ask me how you look.

   I like the fact that a pie in the face only gets a ten minute meeting suspension. England runs a tight ship. Let's clean him up and resume.

   I downloaded the sound of a toilet flushing and made it my ex's ringtone to remind me what a piece of s@#T he is.

   Staring at a text for 5 minutes trying to figure out how to reply while secretly thinking, damn it's a good thing we aren't talking face to face, I'd be screwed!

   My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.

   They are not my haters, they are my fans! They just don't know it yet.

   Whenever I need a quiet night at my house I just tell all my friends that I'm moving and need them to come over and help.