Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to wear a parachute on airplanes and act smug during turbulence.

   It's so hot in MY town, gangs are doing drive-bys with squirt guns!

   I'm canadian and I want to say to America, Hey I love you guys, but seriously, you gotta take Jersey Shore off the air! You guys work on that and we'll see what we can do about Nickleback and Justin Beiber.

   My youngest turns 13 in a couple of weeks, which means I'll have three teenagers in the house. I can only assume that qualifies me for some sort of federal disaster relief funding.

   It's so hot that I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.

   "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P

   Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

   It's so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog

   I got some new underwear the other day. Well.... new to me

   Talking faster and repeating louder your very weak argument does not help you. It makes you appear more like a toddler. And a whiny one at that

   Today's best euphemism for self gratification: Buttering your corn.

   Want to feel old? Kim Carnes of Bette Davis eyes fame turns 65 today.

   I hope I'm the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.

   Sorry, but I don't take relationship advice from single people. That's like taking advice on how to jump hurdles from a dude with no legs.

   if this is what hell is with weather in Chicago, than I am repenting as we speak!

   Wondering if people will start looking at pictures of the moon in 'natural color' and not 'greyscale or B+W' like NASA has been showing us for 50+ years and realize a secret so profound, it will change the course of mankind forever...

   Wondering if Americans are going to allow themselves to be fooled by their own intelligence agencies into really believing that their nation is at risk from hackers, allowing their government to completely reformat the Internet the way they see fit

   I don't have tourette's...random thoughts just fall out of my mouth!

   Wondering why the American government has been spending millions of tax payers money on building massive underground bunkers, tunnel systems and strange prison like camps all over your country. Sincerely: Your concerned friends north of the border

   It's so hot, I just saw a squirrel fanning his nuts.