Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - If Washington raises the debt limit, they should buy every American a Bud Light and charge it to China.

   Last night I found an unopened can of warm Bud Light on the floor of a cab. I'll answer your question with a question. Did I have a choice?

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am gonna assume you are one ugly b!tch with extreme low self esteem.

   Has come to the conclusion that strippers are just panhandlers with a really good gimmick

   Some people make me understand why monkeys throw their poo.

   will shoot at me or that I might drive over a bomb in the road today! Thanks to all who serve.

   they need full length mirrors at the self-checkout line in the grocery store

   going to follow people around today with a xbox controller and yell this sims game sucks!

   Satan called, he wants his weather back..

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!

   I am the guy who breaks the link in chain letters without even giving a rat's a$$.

   I be getting high just to balance out the lows.

   When you smoke weed, it reveals you to yourself.

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   Okay, I've had it with real life, give me my fairy godmother, my prince, and my happily ever after endings.

   Have you seen the new Friendster? You can now log in using your Facebook account! Like WTF? Hahaha!

   You know what infuriates me? Trying to grab the end of masking tape with my half chewed fingernails, after it has reattached itself to it's body. You know what infuriates me even more? Watching someone else do it.

   it's so hot out today that the squirrels are wearing oven mitts to hold their own nuts.

   The space bar means everything... Its the difference bewteen "She gave me herpies" & "She gave me her pies." One's more delicious

   I taught myself how to drive by playing GTA San Andreas! THUG LIFE