Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who say "I'm beside myself" are often mistaken.... with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.

   The word is RUMORS dumbass, kinda like the ones we heard about you not being funny. Except that one turned out to be true.

   Dont Drink and Drive....Drink and call AAA and say "my car is Fooked up just tow it to my house"

   The News said its going to be 99 Degrees today but its going to feel like 110.... B!c$h, say its gone be 110 Degrees then!

   wondering if a bra is called an over the sholder bolder holder then what is mens underwear under the but nut hut?

   The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes it.

   If you think you're alone and nobody notices you, try not paying your bills.

   If I don't have time to make coffee, I pull out a nose hair instead.

   This is how my relationship goes.....I turn her on the moment I get home from work and she satisfies my needs. I love my air conditioner!

   old enough to remember when MTV wasn't just a camera someone left on in a trailer home.

   Its 103 outside an I'm inside watchin tv under my snuggie.. Thanx A/C!

   Im tryin to beat The Heat like Dirk Nowitzki.

   The amount of times I've "apparently" won an ipod an ipad or an iphone while I'm on the internet would put apple out of business!

   So me && grandma go for a joy ride and I turn on the radio, she says" who in the devil is this?" I replyed Grandma, his name is 50 cent, she then said " well I'll give him a dollar to shut up!"

   Who the hell put the sun on HIGH?????

   Wow it's hot!.....I'm sweating like a Priest at a Cub Scout picnic! ツ

   Every flaw in my character is quietly salvaged as evidence of my genius.

   A necktie functions like a tourniquet, preventing excess blood from entering the head.

   “Tired of online dating? You're not alone.” Yes you are. That's why you're dating online.

   I wrote a joke about the short duration of cocaine, in fact the joke itself is a one-liner.