Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I imagine rolling around in money feels a lot better when it's not coins

   I'm no binge drinker. Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks at 1 sitting. I usually have my 4th and 5th lying on the floor.

   I've got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.

   I noticed the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked at him and waved. He then decided to give me the "bird."

   well we know God isn't a woman... otherwise we'd all be sandwiches

   Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

   The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket

   I like calling the man who kidnapped me and raised me my faux pa

   Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before Nyquil, something something heart palpitations

   Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also

   The first person to fabricate a muffler for a Dentist's drill, will make a fortune!

   If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain

   fixing something with WD-40 and a Craftsman wrench.

   Fuller than a tick on a fat dogs ass!

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   A Cougar travels 1500 miles from S Dakota only to get hit by a car in CT. Sounds like an episode of Real Housewives of NY!

   I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.

   They call me Mr. Coffee, cause I grind so fine!!!

   Wrong # call=boring. Wrong # text message=fun. Someone text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."

   WHEW! I just had a near-work experience.