Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya KNOW your getting old when you come across one of those soft porn flicks while flipping thru the satellite channels late at night and all ya think is "Geez that bed looks comfortabl

   I've recently come to realize that pajamas with pockets is the greatest invention EVER! They make it SOOO much easier to hide the stuff I steal when I visit my local Wal-Mart store...

   ....where are all the cabbage patch parents?

   You know what I've noticed? I've never seen a pregnant Chinese lady. O_o

   Sick of girls saying all guys are the same we aren't they just always go for the same kinda guy.......

   A little slower please, pedestrian crossing the street. I don't really like making the green light anyway.

   Do I turn left where nothing is right? Or do I turn right where nothing is left?..

   My wife's filthy habbits disgust me, just yesterday I went to piss in the sink and it was still full of dirty dishes.

   When the angels ask what I loved most about life, I'll say you.

   Life is like soup, only the hot ones get blown.

   Just scratched 2+2=5 on the back bumper of a smart car.

   I am finding all the RIP's for a drug addicted Amy Winehouse and none for the 95 innocent people killed in the massacre that happened in Norway rather ironic....... RIP for those who died innocently!!

   why can't the WNBA have a lockout?

   Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

   friends are like potatos,if you eat them they die

   Whenever I see a Mattress on top of a car, I wonder to myself if its a prostitute makin house calls

   The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem...

   I attended my 35 year rerunion last night. I didn't walk into the ladies room, spill a drink on anyone, walk into a wall, or offer my lap to a stranger. I'm really starting to grow up ..... and its a little sad.

   Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon

   When you judge someone, it doesn't define who they are, it define who you are.