Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't think a remake of the Wizard of Oz would be good. If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brain, heart, or courage today she would be in congress.

   People who use the phrase, "I won't mention any names, but they know who they are," probably don't get punched often enough.

   don't attempt to speak a language you can't speak. Going to a market in my 1st night in Spain saying "Quiero polla" instead of "Quiero pollo" was one great lesson! Just 1 letter made the difference-I wanted to say "I want chicken" but said "I want d*ck"!

   "I can feel it coming in the heir tonight" - Phil Collins having sex with Paris Hilton

   I'm not sure I want Friends with Benefits. Can I just have the Benefits? We'll figure out the Friend thing later.

   I'm opening a shelter for battered onion rings.

   I just saw a guy wipe ketchup off his girlfriend's moustache in McDonald's. And they say romance is dead.

   If smart phone are so smart then why won't it do my laundry?

   Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money

   Swords would be a lot less cool if we pronounced the "w."

   Hey, I'm tweeting from inside a car wash! I wonder if my phone will still work if I roll down the win

   Attention guy walking two feet behind me down the entire block even though we're the only people on this street: I will stab you in 10 feet.

   wonders how many people could get high from snorting Amy Winehouse's ashes...

   Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.

   I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.

   has become a master at using shake weights...I guess those trombone lessons paid off after all!

   I set up my Google+ today with two main groups 1. Me 2.Them

   lmaoo.. I hate when people say, "i gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face?

   LIKE IF: You sat down to check Facebook real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.

   Cell phones should have the option to change "airplane mode" to "drunk mode" that way your drunk texts never leave your phone.