Funny Status Messages

   Bill Gates is telling everyone what to do about the virus but he can't even stop windows from getting a virus...

   The lady in front of me at Wal-mart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her a chastity belt might be a better use of the money.

   Everytime I decline a friends request from Jerry Garcia I always wonder what if?

   When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.

   Do you guys blow on your food when it’s hot, or do you hashafashasha til you can chew it?

   Alcohol can cause Depression..Particularly, when you run out of it

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some of that $h!+.

   There's probably a guy named Jake who works at State Farm who's had it with all the khaki jokes and is about to go postal.

   Then: Teenage girls kept a private diary and got upset if anyone read it. Now: They reveal everything on Facebook and get upset if no one reads it.

   I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?

   The difference between drinking on St. Patrick's Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is that nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   Why do people post things like "my little baby died", playing on your sympathy, and it turns out to be a frigging goldfish.

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   I'm watching a little known show on Netflix called Tearjerker. It's about a guy who cries while he m@sturbates.

   Fear of Corona is on the decline....... Release the Murder Hornets.

   I remember when I was younger you use to be able to eat at restaurants.

   This social distancing is stressing out the flat-earthers I’m afraid it may push them over the edge!

   I planted some bird seeds at home so does anybody know how long it takes for the birds to grow

   Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of me to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps