Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.

   Life and Wife are two similar words ..... but if you have one, you can't have the other!!!

   I searched on Google: "What do Women want?" Google search results: "We are searching too"

   problems are like a tree, if you cut off the leaves they will grow back but if you cut it out at the roots they will be gone for good

   Do you know who says bros before hos'? Actors in sitcoms and the three dudes sitting together without dates at the bar.

   Forget the bed, you are sleeping in my arms tonight.

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in your life

   Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days when I was six and my biggest problem was what kind of dress to put on my Barbie's or whether or not I had enough Lego's to build a fort

   If your plan A doesn't work, don't sweat it. The alphabet has 25 more letters.

   Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

   When wife says, "We need to talk". That only means that she will talk and the Husband will Choke

   tellin people you're deleting your facebook, then disabling it, then bring it back is pointless

   I wake up and people are asking me if I'm dead? Just because I'm 27 does not mean I'm going anywhere. (STILL-MUCH-ALIVE)

   Has anyone ever completed a round of anti-biotics?

   Concentration. Precision. Fearlessness. Patience. Four skills all men possess while shaving that I wish we could apply to other aspects of our life, always.

   You were a straight-A student, on the honor roll, well-behaved all throughout your school years.......Now today you're wondering why you're unemployed and struggling. Do you still believe in the system "they" taught you since you were a child??

   The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve..

   Why give second chances when there are people waiting for their first?

   Being single doesn't mean you know nothing about love. Sometimes, its wiser to be alone than with the wrong damn person.

   3 things I want in a relationship: Eyes that wont cry, lips than wont lie, and love that wont die.