Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?

   USA - "Dad can I borrow a few trillion dollars?" England - "...Ask your mother" China - "Hell no I'm not giving you any money!! You'll just let your government friends waste it all on gambling.

   I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.

   Its been 8 minutes since anyone has posted anything new... What r you b*tches planning and why wasnt I invited...

   I'm going to sign my gf up for Hoarders, she must have been saving her emotional and mental bullsh!t until we got together

   Tried to leave a voicemail for my mom but she picked up. I was forced to drop my phone into my gf's purse and shake it around for 10 minutes.

   Smurfs-v-Snorks on the Deadliest Warrior......make it happen.

   ____ is thankful that I don't have a "swear jar" today. That son-of-a-b!tch would be filled right to the top.

   "GET YOUR ASS IN LINE"...~House Speaker John BOEhner's statement to fellow Republicans....I suspect a flurry of worker's comp claims.

   Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."

   Most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

   I dont think I'll ever be able to eat bugles with out first putting them on my fingers and roaring first

   IMAGINE if Facebook, Twitter, and msn all broke at the same time. We might have to actually get lives

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

   Hulu is coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

   omg I just found out I'm allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!

   Shut up voices!! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again!!

   People say you can't live without love... I think oxygen is more important

   Wal-mart... "do they, like, make walls there?" -Paris Hilton

   Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.