Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at first you don't succeed, I'm still waiting for you...

   the creepiest thing is meeting someone new and adding them on facebook, only to find they are already on youre facebook.

   Watching Conan O'Brian and thinking he should hire some of us as staff writers.

   If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.

   My mother called Information. While I'm sitting here with my laptop, she called Information. Even the Amish dont call information anymore

   Fine dont text me back then. Its not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything

   Weddings in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   Old: Can I buy you a drink? New : I'll give you fourteen dollars for your phone number.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting

   welfare and/or food stamps with no intentions of ever working; and 535 useless people in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer!!

   When I'm rich, I'm going to dictate my status updates to my secretary, and my butler will press that share button.

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting we

   Went to Wendy's the other day, after seeing their new dollar menu, I have to ask "Where's the Beef"?????

   Im still waiting for customer service but Ive exhausted all my dance moves to their hold music, now damn what?

   From now on if you type, LOL you should have to submit a video proving it.

   I wish relationships were Mon-Fri, 9-5 that way id have my nights and weekends free

   You know your drunk when you get home from the bar, then grab and throw your hamster yelling "go pikachu!"

   Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.

   changing my iPhone signature to say, Sent from my bathroom.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once Id like to see a drug commercial that says, May cause extreme awesomeness.