Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the sh!t out of.

   Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?

   It sucks that Saturday is so close to Monday. But Monday is far away from Saturday.

   In an emergency, I`d probably write a status about it before calling the police

   You know your getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

   At the Bar, going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home..

   the sky is so clear today ...Watch out for God will be seeing us in a very high resolution

   bets that in prison everyone's relationship status is set to "it's complicated".

   TIPS FOR SUCCESS WITH WOMEN: (1) Don't be ugly. Should you be Ugly, Dont be Broke!

   My action figure would come with action sold separately.

   My life's motto: "Live every week as if its shark week"

   I'm not that sympathetic to reports that Kim Kardashian suffers from a skin condition. She can change her taste in men any time.

   I'm off to work... not because I want to, but because I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult, and I don't want to blow my cover!

   I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”

   Raid should make suppositories for all the people with bugs up their asses.

   I think humans should hibernate. We could use an extra month of sleep. Too many cranky people.

   Just thinking about how rediculously good looking I am.

   When the Beatles said they were "bigger than Jesus" they were right. 'Cause people were way shorter back then in Jesus times

   All the autotune in the world still doesn't sound as cool as talking into a desk fan

   still a free agent mulling over my options. I will however continue to entertain decent offers.