Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think these news stations are missing the boat with these marathon storm tracking sessions. They need to sell advertising! "This Tornado warning is brought to you by Glad Trash Bags. Glad...when you have to clean debris the next morning, don't get mad..

   I imagine rolling around in money feels a lot better when it's not coins

   I'm no binge drinker. Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks at 1 sitting. I usually have my 4th and 5th lying on the floor.

   I've got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.

   I noticed the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked at him and waved. He then decided to give me the "bird."

   well we know God isn't a woman... otherwise we'd all be sandwiches

   Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

   The last time there were sparks in my bedroom is when I was watching porn under the electric blanket

   I like calling the man who kidnapped me and raised me my faux pa

   Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before Nyquil, something something heart palpitations

   Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also

   The first person to fabricate a muffler for a Dentist's drill, will make a fortune!

   If I ever lose a hand I'm definitely replacing it with a single nunchuck on a chain

   fixing something with WD-40 and a Craftsman wrench.

   Fuller than a tick on a fat dogs ass!

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   A Cougar travels 1500 miles from S Dakota only to get hit by a car in CT. Sounds like an episode of Real Housewives of NY!

   I don't keep a gun in my house but I do have a carefully positioned cactus.

   They call me Mr. Coffee, cause I grind so fine!!!

   Wrong # call=boring. Wrong # text message=fun. Someone text me "Carl, where the hell r u?" I responded "sex change, call you back as Carla."