Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Final Destination 5" well, looks like someone needs to look up the meaning of the word "FINAL"

   Seriously, it's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.

   It's funny how in pre-school, siting boy-girl-boy-girl used to be a punishment.

   Life and Wife are two words that rhyme, but if you have one, you can't have the other!

   Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

   All I ask of Thee, Lord, is to be a drinker and fornicator, an unbeliever and a sodomite and then to die.

   So damn bored and sleepy at work. Sunday should be national holiday for everyone period. The only places needs to stay open should be Walmart and the clubs.

   Smartphones & PC's... iPhones are as popular as Windows PC's and Androids are as popular as Apple MAC's... Technological Karma :s

   If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!

   I think the Eagles would sign Casey Anthony to a contract if they could......

   I miss those 16.9 oz glass soda bottles this time of year.

   I have seen a lot of women post on their Facebook about how they are missing their men, but I am yet to see a guy update his status about how much he is missing his woman. So my question is which men are these women missing?

   Wanted: Friend with benefit. I'm not selfish, you don't even have to enjoy it!

   Just watched a porn parody of Paranormal Activity. I was scared stiff.

   Dear Phone, Maybe if you didn`t light up and beep so many damn times telling me you had a low battery, you wouldn`t have run out of power so quickly!

   I'm sick of having to capitalize "I." Whoever made up that rule sucks!

   I wonder what it is that I did to get reincarnated as me.

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the sh!t out of.

   Do you think having a fifth of Jack means something different to a cannibal?

   It sucks that Saturday is so close to Monday. But Monday is far away from Saturday.