Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know if you hit someone really hard with a hammer, they IMMEDIATELY start planking?

   One packet of Kool-Aid 10 cents, one pitcher to put the Kool-Aid $2.00, drinking all the Kool-Aid and putting the almost empty container back in the fridge and having the wife blame and b*tch out the kids for it, PRICELESS

   Just got this DVD "Hot And Horny Housewives Do Anal 3". Do you think I will understand what's going on if I've not seen 1 and 2?

   Key to a long relationship: keep the fights clean and the sex dirty

   I'm feeling kind of heavenly today, I just turned water into Kool-Aid.

   If you never seen it with your own eyes, or heard it with your own ears. Don't think it in your tiny brain, and spread it with your big mouth.

   I think some people should have two Facebook pages. One for each face.

   Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire

   Facebook should have a who cares button.

   MTV is 30 today!! Nina Blackwood, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter, Martha Quinn and J.J. Jackson....you're hard work was for nothing guys "Reality Show Killed The Video Star"!!

   9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   Sometimes I fake dumbness just to see how far people will go with their lies.

   Dear Slut, Maybe if you closed your legs and opened your heart you might actually find true love and know happiness.

   "If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand.

   Eating p*ssy is like driving a car, got to be careful or you'll hit the a**hole ahead of you.

   The chicken crossed the road so he can show possums that it can be done!

   They are teasing me again on the Food Network!

   Why don't they air "Shark week" in the winter when we all don't care about swimming?

   A box of poptarts to any one that can find my underwear.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Shark Week