Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

   If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

   I'm pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door. -Me, at KFC

   I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

   Remember: when you kiss someone's elbow, you're also kissing the gut of every person they've ever elbowed.

   I used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

   Going forward I'm only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

   [Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren] DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

   houseguest: is this a pull out couch me: no we kind of just hope for the best

   My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

   I'm like a semicolon; most people don't know what to do with me.

   I like men who play hard to get. So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

   My wife told me to stop quoting song lyrics. I told her I don't need permission to make my own decisions. That's my prerogative.

   Text book for urologists: "Looking Out for #1"

   I was a whisker away from winning 'Beard of the Year' recently.

   Marriage is the main cause of divorce.

   My grief counselor just died. I really don’t care. I guess we made progress.

   Hey, I ain't bragging, but pretty much every pot I've ever watched has boiled.

   See you in tea ~ say it, slower, spell it

   The fickle public will lose interest in the Kobe crash faster than they did with Popeye's chicken sandwich.