Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   I'm surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.

   I changed my name in my friend's phone to "Marty McFly." Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.

   My temptation and my common sense are having one hell of a battle...

   ok brain. You woke me up at 4:13am. Must be important. Whats that? You want me to think about the Tylenol scare of '82? Done!

   Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first.

   I hate when its dark and my brain is like "Hey you know what we haven't thought of in a while?" Monsters.

   How to Stop Cyber Bullying: 1. Close your laptop 2. You Win!!

   I wish running scenarios through my mind burned calories.

   I love Japanese noodles so much I'm gonna eat them the entire month and call it Ramendan.

   Your body might be trying to tell you something, shut it up with cheese

   If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do?

   Why would I trust the Gordon's fisherman? Bad things happen when you "trust" a man in a rain slicker. All he needs is a windowless van

   I wonder if I'm the only person who makes the "oh my god" face when I poot really loud in a packed out restroom

   A man should never talk on the phone with another guy while lying on his stomach with his legs in the air.

   If I had a pu$$y, I would never be broke!

   Lazy Test Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.

   Going to try to make meat loaf this week. Shape Meat into ball or loaf, place into pan, Cover with ketchup, turn on oven

   It's ok to talk to yourself as long as you don't get answers