Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being faithful to your boyfriend or girlfriend should be common sense. But there is always that one retard that did not get the memo.

   Ghetto word of the day: HOTEL. My momma said she ain't gonna tell Shaqueta nothing else cause that hotel every thang she hears.

   A journey of ten feet begins with a single “Where the #%!= is the remote?”

   Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.

   If you're a dude writing *hides* or *crying* on your messages, I am going to assume you are the kind that like it in the butt.

   has enough wiper wash for 78 butterflies, after that I'm screwed!

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to keep from laughing everytime I see a shake-weight commercial.

   Seems like most rioting in the world happens in the countries with the least bacon.

   I wish I could help run a country into the ground and still take a $100,000 trip for my birthday... btw, your welcomed Obama for your birthday trip.

   A villain is feared in proportion to the quality of his henchmen.

   A Villain is judged by the quality of his henchmen.

   You can't spell slaughter without laughter!

   Fact: If you break a $100 bill to buy something you will spend the rest before the day is up.

   Randon thots by KG: If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

   Like this status if you know someone who's only alive because you don't want to go to jail...

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   Do you ever just look at someone and "Why?" is the only thing you can come up with?

   ‎"Okay! Well who's ready to help me set this entire house on fire?" - Me, if I hosted "Hoarders," five seconds into every episode.

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   I'm surprised that the government hasn't tried to force me to be normal yet.