Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're more shallow than a kiddie pool.

   Take a hint: you don't look cool peeling out of a parking lot. You aren't a professional drag racer and it's f'n annoying. Now go buy some new tires.

   The later it gets at night, the funnier everything is. When you're laughing at nothing...it's time to go to bed.

   I don't need damn a brain, I have google.

   Prvo me upoznaj pa mi onda sudi, a ne po tome što pričaju ljudi ! :)

   Ya know it's a bad day when you wreck yourself before you check yourself.

   Shark Week Thought: Guy who takes his wife/girlfriend to the ocean/beach when it's that time of the month has a hidden agenda.

   JERSEY SNORE. And No! That's not a typo ;)

   Had 12 girls banging on my bedroom door last night... I said, No matter how hard you bang I am not letting you out

   Hey Facebook.. If I "UNFRIEND" someone.. Please don't put them in my "People you may know".. Of Course I F*ckin know them! I just choose not to be friends with them!

   MLB looking into Illegal poker games at Oscar Madison's apartment. Felix Unger has no comment.

   I'm the go to guy when it comes to going to a guy to find out what guy to go to.

   Dear God , whats your policy on heart replacements

   here's a condom...'cause I'm thoughtful and I want you to be safe when you go F&*k yourself.

   If someone posts "single and ready to mingle" on a public forum, they are single for a reason.

   Anyone with 600 friends shouldn't have to take their own picture.

   Those who say our generation is messed up forget who raised us

   Here is a tip for you older people: Don't plank, people may think you're dead.

   So Martha Stewart just turned 70 and is still bangable..... Either I'm losing it, or I am setting the bar really really low.

   Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids