Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   your fat because you have a slow metabolism!!! yeah right!!! A slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   When I kiss you without uttering a single word, I am speaking to your soul.

   I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.

   I know I'm weird. I accept that.

   If I were a woman, there would almost never be a time when I wouldn't wear high heels or carry a gun. Or insist everyone call me Candy.

   When you think about it there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?

   There's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise.

   When you want things to be done, give them to a man, but when you want things to be discussed, hand them over to a woman!

   Zoo tip: Real Tigers often do not follow the rules of "Eenie meenie miney moe"

   GHETTO WORD OF THE DAY: OMELETTE- "Imma punch fit what you jes said, but OMELETTE this one go this time.

   "I'd like to thank my celebrity life-coaches Mel Gibson, Charlie Sheen, Nicholas Cage, Wesley Snipes, & Nick Nolte for the overwhelming positive effect they've had on my recent life."

   I was at the red light beside a car load of mexicans when a semi ran over top them. I thought, dang that could've been me. So I got my CDL's

   " Dude,I wasn't that drunk." "....you gave a mushroom to a midget and kept yelling 'GROW MARIO GROW!'.

   Do it today. it might be illegal tomorrow.

   What happens at the sleepovers, Stays at the sleepovers.

   Why do I always crave Chick-Fil-A on Sunday and Outback Steaks at lunch time?

   Today is "Work Like A Dog Day". SO, I shall eat, sleep and wag my tail. Oh and maybe slobber a bit.

   If you get a tattoo on your face of another person you can pretty much guarantee you and that person is probably homeless

   IN CASE OF FIRE: Please exit the building immediately before updating your Facebook status about it.