Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you hide the year of your date of birth on your profile.

   I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn't know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio

   What's more unattractive to me than a woman who smokes? One who destroys her body with countless tattoos and piercings. Seriously, just stop. It's not sexy.

   You expect kids to behave when tarzan lives half naked, cinderella comes home midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Aladdin is king of thieves, Batman drives at 200mph, sleeping Beauty is lazy & snow white lives with 7 guys?

   This fake headache sure feels like me leaving work early. 

   If you are a Dude. and your wallpost showed how excited you Were about Jersey Shore Last nite. Your Automatically Gay!

   Facebook Status: HOME ALONE!!! 42 Thieves, 27 Rapers, The Chupacabra and the Boogeyman likes this.

   My girlfriend says that I treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for her self.

   Did I just say that out loud?" No, dumbass, you just thought about it and we heard.

   I'm hoping my parents just keep forgetting to tell me about my trust fund.

   So you gonna take 15 minutes to text back huh? That's fine, I'll take 20...

   "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

   They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...should we give that a try?

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary

   Lies usually spread faster than the truth because there are always damn more of them.

   I like to think that every time firemen get a call they're like "Yaaay! We get to ride in the truck!" then they laugh & tickle each other

   I laugh when someone I just met gets mad at me and expects me to care. Like, wtf. I don't give a s**t about you! I don't even know you!

   I wish we could all just get along. Unless you don't like the same music as me; then you can eat sh!t & die in a fire.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?