Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I'm not rioting, my tracksuit is in the wash.

   I only like Tuesday because it rhymes with Booze Day....

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute

   If you purchased $1000 worth of Delta airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49. If you invested it in aig you'd have $33. If you spent $1000 on beer and recycled the cans you would have $214.50. Therefor drinking heavily is your best investment.

   Scotland Yard is at a loss at how to stop rioters from coordinating looting via Blackberry. If only they knew someone who could hack phones.

   I just took a typing test. 160 words per minute. The word was "a". That counts, right?

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   If I get another invite for farmville, I'm going to get my friends in Mafia Wars to shoot your cows and send the meat to Cafe World.

   I'm proud to be an infidel

   Hey Obaman & other Liberal Dems The race card has become tired tattered and faded. Time to fabricate a new strategy.

   Facebook's starting to creep me out. I just got a friend request from a woman with the following attached message, "I like you. I like my men like I like my coffee. Freeze dried in a jar kept in the back of the fridge." I clicked "accept". Was that a mist

   Liberal = hypocrite. YOU: must do as I say ME: must do what feels good

   Obama isn't Jimmy Carter bad, he's worse, he's James Buchanan bad.

   Did Obama take ever take a economics class? Oh I'm sorry his school records are sealed too!

   If I were you I'd keep silent.

   so is london bridge burning down yet

   Have you ever called to make payment arrangements on a bill, and forgot you already paid it? Me neither....

   Nonsense sometimes makes sense!

   If Dippin Dots is, in fact, the ice cream of the future, then is it safe to assume the future is terrible?

   Can't wait to see whatever movie they're filming in London right now. Looks bad ass.