Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because your a great grand-mother does not give you the right to wear "Juicy" on the seat of your pants...

   based on your status updates I've come to the conclusion that you enjoy being miserable and I have no sympathy for you.

   'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

   Flexible people are lucky, when they feel a lack of praise, they can bend over and kiss their own asses :P

   Drinking and driving is twice the fun in the snow

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus

   When stopped by the police and asked if you have any drugs or firearms, it is never a good idea to say, "Why? What do you need?"

   Twitter account ✔ Facebook ✔ Google Plus ✔ Youtube ✔ Messenger✔ Skype ✔ "Dude do you have a life?" "OMG!! No, send me the link!" :P

   Midas' touch, Baby! Uh huh, I gots it! Everything I'm touching is turning to gold today. Oh yeah! Wait. Never mind. F**king Cheetos.

   That makes about as much sense as a a gay guy in a topless bar

   Never fall in love with an a$$ man, unless you're prepared to offer him the moon.

   I like how the package for cotton swabs says don't put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"

   A Lover says, `I will be with you in all your troubles`. But a Good Friend says, `You will have no trouble when I am with you!`

   The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.

   Manager: A room with double bed? But sir you are alone? Santa: Yes, It is just that I wish to enjoy the silence from the other bed.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   Thinking about writing a book on Mormon cults. Will title it, "Always the Bride, Never the Bridesmaid."

   I'm trying to solve a murder mystery, but the only clue is a broken calculator found at the crime scene . . . Something doesn't add up.

   Until noon tomorrow, I would like to be called only by my street name- White Chocolate Filling. Please update your records.

   Just woke up. Ice cream melted. Not sure where I am. Smells like basement.