Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to just hang around the playground, watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

   Sometimes I have these moments in life when I want to press pause, look into the sky, and scream "REALLY DUDE, REALLY!?"!!!!!

   Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

   Whenever I start to get tired of being single...I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship feels like

   Everyone google "Tulsa Tower Guy" He's a crazy naked black guy that climbed this 300ft tower 6 days ago and they can't get him down!

   Facebook: A place where you can make your life look like something it's not.

   Insomnia causes questionable browser history.

   I tried ginko biloba pills for better memory, but I can't remember to take the pills.

   I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight.

   Don't be pushed around by your problems; be led by your courage.

   if she is wearing silly bands she is too young for you Bro!

   Let everyone know what is on your mind, but let only a few know what is in your heart.

   Twinkle, twinkle little star, show me to the nearest bar, down the street and to the right, I'll be there...all damn night!!

   “She ain't you" is by far Chris Brown's best hit since Rihanna.

   more frustrated than a one-legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll downhill

   I think its time to give in to sin. The devil on my right shoulder just killed the angel on my left with his pitchfork.

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   If her shoes still light up, she's too young for you.

   If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom & my money. You can keep the "change" !