Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks Sesame Street for telling us Bert & Ernie are not gay, but I'd like to hear it directly from Bert & Ernie.

   Good guys are like a thong on a fat girl....hard to find :)

   DVD Piracy Ad: 'You wouldn't steal a television' - Recent evidence suggests otherwise.

   I forget to renew my AVG anti-virus subscription and then next thing I know I've got a cold....well played, AVG, well played....

   I got to thinking about when Hugh Hefner who is 85 was dating that girl who was 25......That would be like me dating a girl who would not be born for another eight years.

   Jani Lane, lead singer of Warrant found dead. Cause of death unknown at news time but witnesses report heavy cherry smell in the air. Guess heaven wasn't too far away.

   Just when I thought my dream was real.............the elephant wants to start talkin

   Why doesn't facebook just change the Poke to what it really means. "Bend over, I'll drive."

   My boss asked me if I was trying to give him a heart attack, I'm guessing by my smug smile and walk off he got his answer.

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...

   Friends are like the walls of a house. Sometimes they hold you up, sometimes you lean on them. But sometimes, it's enough to know they're just standing by.

   It's the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!

   I've been celibate for so long all I have now is a bladder release valve!

   Guys who claim they are players usually get no plays. Beware of the quiet private ones.

   Obama just announced his NEW plan! He is going to vacation in Martha's Vineyard

   I am going to change your relationship status from “Taken” to “Stolen”

   Insomnia. I tried counting sheep, but they kept sitting down and telling me their problems. Very anxiety-ridden, those sheep...

   One of the unsung signs of depression is throwing away fast food trash in your bathroom trashcan.

   I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.