Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you guys ever get the idea while growing up that your parents never really listened to you? One time I asked my mom if I could go outside and watch the solar eclipse and she goes, "Okay, but don't get too close."

   Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.

   Never choose someone who suffers from constipation to be your "In case of emergency" contact, because they don't even answer when nature calls and they won't give a s****

   The problem with you young and dumb fellas is that you treating the females you loving with the same kind of respect that you treat the ones that you are just screwing.

   GUY: give me 3 packs of condoms please. CASHIER: do you need a paper bag with that sir? Guy: nah she is not that ugly.

   In my lifetime I have learnt that women, who appear quiet, shy and innocent looking in public are actually the biggest freaks behind closed doors.

   Yo momma so fat, your family tree leans on one side!

   Being single just means you haven't met anyone good enough for you yet!

   suddenly the song anarchy in the uk makes sense

   the economy is so bad I ordered a burger at macdonalds the kid behind the counter asked "can you afford fries with that"

   Have you ever noticed that when you go abroad on holiday, on the first day you're like a fish out of water, but by the time the last day arrives, you're walking around like you own the Hotel!

   she txtd me "im outside" so I txtd her back "Im inside looking at my phone saying that didnt sound like the doorbell" lol

   Every time someone wishes me "Sweet Dreams", I wake up with high blood sugar.

   I always polish off a box of Oreos at the Dentists' office right before a cleaning. My last bill was, $2400.00.

   I saw a sign in the hospital today, it read "For Family Planning - Please Use Rear Entrance". What good advice!!

   im against picketing, but I dont know how to show it

   if you're ever attacked by a bunch of clowns... Go for the Juggler!!!

   to those actresses who say they won't do nudity if it isn't important to the plot, they should do porn... there nudity IS the plot!

   "Please, consider giving your time to help those in need." ...Ok, done. Wow, what a bunch of whiners, that was so easy. NEXT PROBLEM.

   My neighbour talks to his dog like it's his child. I heard him while taking my cat's pyjamas off the clothes line.