Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tried to balance the light switch, I should probably go to bed...

   U know some fairy tales begin with “Once upon a time…” Others begin with “If elected, I promise…”

   You can't hurry love, but you can honk the horn a few times and let it know you're waiting.

   Updating my status in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the damn cops.

   Some people are just Facebook Retarded!

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig, is a militant feminist that can't cook and won't do as she is told.

   Loves deleting my facebook so I can post on my facebook page that I deleted it!

   Although preseason football is like non-alcoholic beer, it feels like the lockout added 10% of alcohol content

   If in our righteous endeavors to protect and keep what we love and value, we attack and demoralize those whom peacefully choose a different path, do we become no less than the entity that we are standing against?

   English fans are so soccer crazy, they are even having pre-season hooliganism riots!

   Every day I change my birthday on Facebook to THAT day just for all the attention.

   I'm not bulimic, I just like tasting the same food twice.

   so.... how soon is too soon to tell a family member you have been usuing there new toothbrush to clean the toilet???

   I've just seen the new rise of the planet of the apes trailer! it's funny how it's very similar to the London riots! Most expensive publicity stunt ever

   I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Wow...He's really giving me a run for my money."

   Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes your blood type.

   This Green Mountain Coffee is said to have "Spellbinding complexity, intense flavor and strong character." What the hell? I'm looking for a caffeine jolt, not a soulmate...

   Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks. Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets. Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and tear gas. England: Riots stop... because it's raining. Makes one proud to be British.

   If you LOL and no one is around, do you make a sound?

   Controversy in Tibet... they are naming the first black Dalai Lama, the Dalai Lamar.