Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In life, the woman saying " it cant be done" is always interrupted by the woman doing it...that woman is ME:)

   Just when I thought my dream was real... the the wife crawls out of the hole and wants to start talking...

   My wife says I dont listen to her or something like that.

   The grass isnt always greener on the other side...its greener where you choose to water it:)

   i only drive one kind of stick...and it isnt standard ;)

   Final Destination 5 ,, you would think they would have gotten there by now .

   So... I noticed this tough guy on the bus wearing the same Pantera t-shirt for three straight days. Today he was wearing a Slayer shirt... Thank God for laundry day!

   One womans trash is...well, just trash! Women dont throw away things that have real value ;)

   People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   Beyond tired right now.. everytime I blink I'm pretending its a mini nap

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   The next time I go to chruch.. I'm bringin my own wine and crackers!

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top