Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   Ghetto word of the day : Omelet I shoulda slapped da fu*k outta yo a$$ but omelet dat sh!t slide dis time! 

   Ladies don't request a guy with a big d*ck and try to limit how deep he can go! You're in violation!!!!!

   Facebook starting drama since 2004.

   If a mute swears, does his mother was his hands with soap??

   Dollar goes in, soda comes out. Only possible explanation? Aliens.

   Ladies; don't judge a man on some sh*t that you heard about his past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for 35 million. Now looks like the ideal time to sell my dusty old CD towers for 9 million dollars.

   Look out. The first song I heard today was Eye Of The Tiger. It scored my "looking for my car keys and wallet" montage.

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   I wish I could commute to work by roller-coaster....

   I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces...

   This really works, 1 hold your breath for one hour. 2 die

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of!

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

   Today, at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her "Voldemort". When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...'He Who Must Not Be Named'".

   Me and my girl roleplay in the bedroom, she pretends she's Catwoman and I pretend I love her

   Just called the police on my GF, not for a crime, I just want them to remind her she has the right to remain silent

   The most best things in life can't be seen or touched....at least that's what the restraining order says.