Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay you fly-by-sunday christians, you can go back to sinning now that sunday is over.

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   Please don't try my patience. I already tried it and it doesn't work.

   Don't get mad when I don't do what you would have done, your rules don't apply to everyone else.

   When are Korn and Hole going to tour together?

   It makes no sense to commit yourself in a relationship if you still expect to have single people's privileges.

   My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!

   England have become the number one cricketing team in the world. We sure showed those 8 other teams.

   Did you guys ever get the idea while growing up that your parents never really listened to you? One time I asked my mom if I could go outside and watch the solar eclipse and she goes, "Okay, but don't get too close."

   Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.

   Never choose someone who suffers from constipation to be your "In case of emergency" contact, because they don't even answer when nature calls and they won't give a s****

   The problem with you young and dumb fellas is that you treating the females you loving with the same kind of respect that you treat the ones that you are just screwing.

   GUY: give me 3 packs of condoms please. CASHIER: do you need a paper bag with that sir? Guy: nah she is not that ugly.

   In my lifetime I have learnt that women, who appear quiet, shy and innocent looking in public are actually the biggest freaks behind closed doors.

   Yo momma so fat, your family tree leans on one side!

   Being single just means you haven't met anyone good enough for you yet!

   suddenly the song anarchy in the uk makes sense

   the economy is so bad I ordered a burger at macdonalds the kid behind the counter asked "can you afford fries with that"

   Have you ever noticed that when you go abroad on holiday, on the first day you're like a fish out of water, but by the time the last day arrives, you're walking around like you own the Hotel!

   she txtd me "im outside" so I txtd her back "Im inside looking at my phone saying that didnt sound like the doorbell" lol