Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   no prison can hold him, but a lot of prisoners will.

   I like to scare deaf people by yawning.

   Some people don't realize they lost a good thing until they see the next person enjoying and appreciating it.Then suddenly they want it back.

   If you wouldn't say it in person, dont say it online.

   *door knock* Me: who is it?..Him: Rick Ross tha Boss..Me: *runs to kitchen, puts a lock on the fridge and hides the key*

   If you want to talk to me send me a message in my inbox, don't broadcast it on my wall for everyone else to see. Thank you.

   There are 25 interesting things you can do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking!

   She has a Masters degree in lying but I have a PhD in recognizing bullsh*t.

   I think things did not work out between us because we both loved the same person; I loved you and you loved yourself.

   My Vocabulary = 50% swearing, 50% sarcasm

   Everyone says I'm short as if it isn't obvious enough, but that just means I'm a smaller, more awesome version of all the normal sized people

   It's always your favorite sins that do you in

   Body piercing saved your life. -Jesus

   why do frogs make a mass exodus across the road when it rains?

   Why are Adam and Eve always depicted with belly buttons?

   My last child support paymen is due tomorrow............I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

   In an effort to save the economy the Government will be downsizing the population. Soon it will begin eliminating all the ugly people. My eyes began to water and my heart dropped when I thought of you, hang in there my friend. Be strong.

   She may think your tractor's sexy but she rides mine. ;0)

   Walmart Owner: "Ok, So here's the plan.We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them.It can't fail!"

   55 years ago tonight, Bela Lugosi died. He was the orignal Dracula, who thinks Bela from Twilight was named after him?