Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a woman seems sensitive or cranky and you suspect she has her period, do you really think it's wise to ask her?

   wonders what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.

   Mom, you know I love you, but I am not adding you on facebook.

   I admit I am from the old school, but since when did bathrooms become photobooths?

   Never tell a woman to shut up, just kiss her damnit.

   You know you have been SINGLE enough when you start making up abbreviations of the word SINGLE like the loser below.

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz. She would be in congress

   The Wizard of Oz is 70 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no balls, she wouldn't be in Oz.

   Today, I told a girl she was pretty. She wasn't. Call me fake, but that smile on her face was real.

   Don't stare at me. Because then I have to stare back at you and, why make me suffer?

   The sexual position 69 will now be known as 96, due to the economy, it now cost more to eat out.

   I know there is plenty of fish in the sea but I am looking for a mermaid.

   Before I let you sit at my table I gotta see what you bringing to it.

   Damnit, I have eaten all my popcorn and the movie has not even started.

   I bet if I lick that spot then you won't act like that.

   I happened upon a KKK rally. I said, "The only races you rednecks recognize are Indy and Daytona."

   Some people live one life, then tweet another.

   Drag my name through the mud and I will still come out clean.

   like you've never tried to squeeze your eyes to shoot with x-ray beams