Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Porn videos that load slowly should say 'muffering.'

   Things I love like a fat kid loves cake - 1. titties 2. cake.

   When I go to Popeye's I always order "the Kardashian"....a box full of dark meat.

   my "sleep number" is a 12.....pack

   People always talk bout hard work, but you can work hard your whole life and not get anywhere...take my advice, work smart, not hard

   Donald and Daisy Duck must have a romantic passionate marriage. No one "wears the pants' in the relationship. Matter of fact I've never known them to wear any pants at all! Wow the secret to a passionate marriage must be "no pants."

   I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.

   Most men would never agree to marriage if they knew how rare it was to mate in captivity.

   Common sense Nursing is knowing that you should never take a laxative when you have a bad cough.

   Going to a chain bookstore and finding all the books on lower back pain on the bottom shelf is most likely result of hiring college grads with degrees like "Art History" and only paying them minimum wage.

   The Pinky Toe:The most sensitive part of your body when it comes to finding furniture in the Dark.

   Remember , the Grass is not always Greener on the other side!!! Unless your neighbors are"Cheech & Chong"

   i dont know why but everytime someone starts a conversation with "this one time" my brain automatically says "at band camp"

   The bum economy has sent gold prices sky rocketing....It's so high that an angry flash mob looted Mr. T!

   Women use their purses as a way to "mark" their territory while shoppin. They make us men hold their purses . I don't care if your Arnold Schwarzenegger, you look like a doofus holding your wifes purse outside a Fashion Barn dressing room.

   Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian might be the first time in history that the roles have been reversed and a ball player has trapped a hoe.

   I want my tombstone to say "Watch where your standing... that hurts!"

   'I love having sex with you' doesn't mean, 'I'm only having sex with you'

   Everybody has that one person who always catches you doing weird stuff.

   The most beautiful people are the ones who do not have the intention to look good but end up accidentally looking good.