Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You cannot taste me, until you undress me. Sincerely, banana

   Guy's Remember : While You're Sitting There All Day Playing Call Of Duty , Your Girl Is Calling Someone Else To Come And Do Your Duty .

   noticed it's very difficult these days to find something on television that doesn't have to do with cake! :/

   I throw Justin Bieber at the wall sometimes, saying AYO...I missed the window...

   Why cant Govts, like husbands and boyfriends, simply say sorry and defuse a crisis before it goes out of hand???

   The reason women ask so many questions is because they have an extra why chromosome.................

   Maybe Congress should try a Bake Sale.

   If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast.

   "Vodka, Bourbon, Tequila!" - Me calling the shots.

   Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.

   These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.

   Did you know that 98% of Ford trucks sold within the past decade are still on the road today? The other 2% actually made it home…

   Lady Gaga taught me its okay to be different. Ke$ha taught me to be myself and not care what anyone else thinks.Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I loveMost importantly, Rebecca Black taught me the days of the week.

   If you're a thug driving a luxury SUV fully customized, don't be surprised when I question the legitimacy of your income.

   Admit It, At least once in your Life, You Have Tried To Squeeze your eyes Shut and Shoot Lasers Out of them With Intense Concentration.

   Dear Lord please grant me one day of freedom from the law so I can set a few people straight :)

   Listen to your heart but double check and confirm with your mind.

   If someone held a gun to my head I still don't think it would be as scary as almost tipping backwards off of a chair

   Recent studies show that watching Jersey Shore kills twice as much brain cells than smoking a joint of marijuana.... ..I totally agree with that, I've talked to many friends who watch the show and mimic it..

   You know it's time to wash your wank sock when you drop it and it sounds like plates dropping.