Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There aren't many things that I believe less in the world than than some tech support guy in India telling me his name is Jeff.

   Only use deodorant under one arm....that way you know what you would have smelled like.

   A smile is the same in every language, I'm pretty sure the pee pee dance is too...

   Facebook is starting to remind me of my ex-wife... throwing things I said years ago back in my face.

   I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head..... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!!

   After only one date, I knew her "emotional closet" was a walk in!

   I am nicknaming you "Big toe" cause sooner or later I am going to bang you on the coffee table.

   Damn deceptive thumbnail pics. You think you're seeing some hot little sweetie, then you click on it to enlarge the thing, and it's a cake!

   I don't wanna be loved I just wanna quickie No bite marks, no scratches, and no hickeys !

   How are you gonna dress like a ho, talk like a ho, walk like a ho, act like a ho, and then get mad when you are approached like a ho, addressed like a ho and treated like a ho? Silly ho.

   We're both fiction, you're too good to be true, and I don't exist to you.

   Sending mixed signals should be a federal offence!

   Pretending to be someone else is hurting and sabotaging yourself because you're telling yourself that the real you, is useless and worthless.

   BOY: Hey you must be tired... GIRL: Let me guess, coz I was running through your mind all day? BOY: Hell No! From jumping to conclusions, b*tch

   If one drop of rain can find it's way to the ocean, one prayer can find it's way to God.

   If 10 minutes after sex, the man is not hungry and the woman is not passed out, temporarily paralyzed, then somebody didn't do their job right.

   watching a Blade movie marathon and began to wonder; where did all these vampires learn there martial arts? What after-hours karate school do they go too?

   expecting the unexpected...so now the unexpected is expected thus, I am expecting the expected.. unexpectedly. ..

   Ok, fine. I'll admit it. Most of the time when I'm in the bathroom, I'm hiding out from my kids.

   Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me from knocking my kids' teeth out is not having dental insurance.