Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blood makes you related. love makes you fam. :)

   given up! I have tried , I have fallen too many times and it hurts worse every time. I give up! It's impossible I just can no longer try......to lick my own nuts.

   If I made a clone of myself and made out with myself would it be considered gay or masterbation?

   I dont do foreplay before sex...I'm not the type of guy beat around the bush.....

   I can hear all the dogs in my neighborhood laughing their a$$es off at Michael Vick's performance tonight!! One year wonder??

   Autocorrect can kiss my ask!

   I love it when a fat person says, "That's the way I roll."

   Go ask a little kid what a VCR is. I dare you

   If she's in love with Justin Beiner, she's too young for you bro!

   would like to point out that playing violent video games never did me any harm (not so sure about those people buried under the deck, though)

   I'm so exhausted from work that I actually tried to use "The Force" to get the remote to come to me. When it didn't work I used the old Jedi Mind Trick sayin "These arent the droids your looking for give me the remote". My son did while rollin his eyes.

   When all else fails, just slap yourself in the face.

   The most powerful microscope can see the diameter of a hydrogen atom. If you look through that you still couldn't see how little I care about your drama

   I think those who are leading our nation should wear shock collars!

   Ironman is a super hero. Iron woman is a command.

   Rick Perry should start campaigning in one of those giant foam cowboy hats.

   I don't know why I should learn Algebra. I'm never likely to go there.

   I chose not to drive the Lambo today.... because I don't own one

   Whenever I see a really hot girl I know is out of my league, I just console myself by thinking to myself 'Some guy somewhere is probably tired of her sh*t'

   Officer, I'm not Fred Flintstone, I didn't "run" a red light, I drove through it.