Funny Status Messages
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I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it 
you know my phone battery kinda lasts a lot longer now that I don't have a girl freind .
I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
Having too many friends on facebook is like operating a junk infected e-mail account
My hats off to all the guys who only have AM radio in their work trucks...yeah I'm listening to Merle Haggard also!
Holy Crap!!!....That was just CRAZY!!!.....Oh well.....Hey folks.new cooking tip 101;-When making beer can chicken.....make sure chicken is dead before inserting can of beer!!..Let me repeat:MAKE SURE CHICKEN IS DEAD BEFORE INSERTING CAN OF BEER!!!!!....
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
That feeling when a booger shoots out your nose and you don't know where it landed.
Do you think when a clown climaxes, he shoots out silly string?
I think I'll dump my coffee on my head...it'll work faster.
do you know someone who is alive because you didnt wanna go to jail for killing them?
Bi-polar Wednesday - that day where you fluctuate between, "WooHoo, the week is half over" and "Oh crap, the week is only half over.
Sometimes you can take things too far with the wrong person. I'm the wrong person
Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.
I go to a Weight Watchers meeting. I dump out a carton of Whoppers malted Milk Balls on the floor. The next thing you know, I'm watching a live version of the Hungry Hungry Hippos game.
Whats the similarity between Men and Rats? They all run around looking for Holes
The only reason a husband would ever take up jogging is so that he could hear heavy breathing again.
Dear fat, I don't need you to cover me. Sincerely muscle. 