Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided that my years of experience as a Nurse will help me become a millionaire. I've designed a new adult diaper which is as comfortable as a huggie and is made from Sham Wow fabric. I'm calling it "The Sham Pooey".

   Comic book fans are enraged that Superman's new costume no longer has his underwear on the outside. The only guy who is happy about this is his Dry Cleaner. He knows poop stains which require kryptonite to remove are a serious pain in the a$$!

   Have you ever noticed after reading some peoples notices that they are just trying to get noticed. I also noticed that no one sends them a notice that their notice wasn't worth noticing.

   Most husbands often fantasize about Googling their Twitter on their wife's Facebook. Married reality for me is that she wont even look at Myspace anymore.

   When it comes to attempting to have a great date night with your Spouse it's kind of a "You win some and You lose some" situation. But everyone knows its a great night when finally "You get some".

   Every day as the years go by I find myself missing a special certain someone from my past. Lucky for me my aim is improving.

   Don't you know it's rude to talk while I'm interrupting?

   If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast

   Its not a typo if you don't know how to spell the word.

   If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of whiskey and not a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   A fun thing to do at public restrooms is to wait until someone leaves, click a stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.

   Just saw a guy driving a beat up car with a bumper sticker that said "My other car is a Porsche ." Why isn't he driving that other car then?

   People on morning radio shows find everything so much funnier than I do.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem and huge boobs

   Jennifer Lopez got "On The Floor" and Marc Anthony let it "Rain Over Her."

   heard in the news today that Ecstasy is being used to combat cancer. I'm not sure if the researchers testing this have ever done Ecstasy before, but if you get the right hit of E and you will forget that you have anything wrong with you.

   5 Things you don't want wake up and to hear during your Surgery: 5)Ok folks,let's dig in 4) Accept this sacrifice oh Great Lucifer 3) Fifi! Come back with that! Bad Dog! 2) Oops! My contact lense! 1) It's ALIIIVE!!

   If your mouth is shut in all your pics, we assume that you have funky teeth!!

   On a walk, my son saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Iphone..

   Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Today, you're here. Coincidence?