Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're like a drug to me, not only am I hooked on you but you're also ruining my life...

   They say, "You are what you eat" ... The thing is, I don't remember eating a sexy b!tch.... oh wait a minute. Scratch that....

   So who is the bitter old man who started these damn "she's to young for you bro" crap? So she didn't like you, "Bitter party of one?...Bitter party of one......"

   Here at Kotex Tampons were not claiming to be number one, were certainly not number two,. But when it come"s to Tampons were right up in there...

   If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I think it's necessary to put you there

   thinks as a male, I will always feel judged when buying hand lotion….

   History repeats itself oppurtunities dont!

   Now these are just plain stupid. Can someone PLEASE just create one with Natural humor? Not just "forced/Trying too hard" Humor!

   If I had chicken, carrots, and cabbage to add to my ramen noodles to make chicken noodle soup, I wouldn't be eating Ramen Noodles in the first place.

   Go to your profile, look to the right. Now annoy those 8 friends by tagging them in a stupid post about the zombie apoclyspe, or bank robbery, and let them know you have no life.

   Warning.. This Status is Rated TV MA LSV!

   Guys, You Know It Must Of Been One Hell Of A Night When You Can't Pee Straight... Err, I Mean See Straight.

   The IDEAL guy does not smoke,,does not drink,,does not flirt with other girls,,does not lie,,does not cheat,,...and finally does "NOT EXIST".

   waering "faux fur" is like eating tofu steak

   I called my stockbroker and asked him what I should be buying. He said, "If the current administration is in office much longer, canned goods, water and ammunition are your best bet."

   If you will lie about the little things, before long you'll lie about bigger things

   Be the one to stand out in the crowd

   You may think there is a lot wrong with you, but there is also a lot right with you

   bored..going to start deleting people who dont reply within minutes of my texts

   If you live in Texas and gained weight this summer, shame on you!