Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

   Great news! I'm declaring a national strike. Nobody go to work.

   Judging by the hair on the furniture, I'm surprised I have any cat left at all.

   Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? A: FULL!!!

   Larry Page : So we need cellphones? Go buy Motorola. Secretary : Ok (10 mins later) Secretary : Bought it. Larry : ok...which model ? ......Secretary : Model ?

   McDonald's Happy Meal. A tiny burger, 8 fries, a sip of Coke, and a cheap 2¢ toy. Happy? Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

   I said "I see...a normal person would choose the bucket because it is bigger." He responded, "No. a normal person would pull the plug...would you like a bed by the window?"

   I recently visited a mental asylumn, and I asked the director "how can you know when a person needs to be institutionalized?" He said, "Well, we fill a bathtub with water, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket and ask them to empty the tub." I sa

   thinking about creating a whole new crime. I'm gonna start a counterfeit prostitution ring. I see a lot of money and no jail time coming my way.

   life is a battle field and there are so many dangers, just when you think it's okay it blows up in your face..

   That posh voice that your mum puts on when she's on the phone:')

   oh, so I'm invisible to you now? sweet! I always wanted a super power:D

   i absolutely love sending inboxes and never getting a reply. I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful it makes me feel.

   So you can't even find time in your day to send me just one message? I guess that tells me where I stand.. if you want me in your life, find a way of getting me there.. i'm done trying!

   Why does this thing tell you that you have 24 letters left, then when you post it's incomplete? e

   Florida: Those computerized hurricane forecast models are ridiculous. You could give a 4 year old a map and a crayon, and they'd come up with something almost as inaccurate.

   I don't hate you, I just don't appreciate your existence.

   Before you judge me: deal with what I've dealt with, Feel what I've felt, Survive what I've survived, Master what I have mastered and Overcome what I overcame.

   You know you're in love when you're standing in line at Forever 21 making a return on a dress and panties that your girlfriend was too embarrassed to do herself!

   The bigger the EXPECTATION, the bigger the HEARTBREAK!