Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fellas--you CAN be friends with women, but if she's got those eyes that awaken the beast within, then relax and go see a movie by yourself.

   Dear Eminem and Bruno Mars - while I really enjoy your new song, I cant help thinking that a 'Sky Full of Lighters' is pretty much a fire hazard just waiting to happen. Didn't think that one through, did you?

   "Marriage" - Betting someone half your sh!t that you'll love them forever

   a man with a plan. Granted my plan involves beer, strippers and chicken wings but a plan none the less.

   why marry and make one woman happy when you can remain single and make many Women Happy........???

   I love it when a girl smiles, she looks beautiful but when she makes a duck face... honestly, she looks like a duck

   It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.

   Prostitutes are born when you give goodwill all your slutty clothes.

   I go to the liquor store and stock up for hurricanes almost every other weekend.

   Warning: Warnings are so retarded. Like on this deodorant 'Avoid contact with eyes.' Too late, I've already seen it.

   Seismologists have determined that the earthquake in Washington,D.C. was not caused by a fault line, but by our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!!!!

   Imagine a guy trying to run upstairs while wearing roller blades. That's my life

   I'll usually hug people when it's obvious they only want to shake hands

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team

   Everything I need to know about whether or not cops are allowed to search my car I learned from Jay-Z songs

   Saw a black velvet Kenny Rogers painting today. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.

   Dear Lord, please give me the strength to forgive those who put LOL in their status updates

   Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves

   While Prince may have found his mother demanding. Maybe she just didn't want to see him wear a frilly purple suit everyday

   Whoever coined the phrase "The Buck stops here" has obviously never ever carried my poor wallet!