Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.

   They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.

   You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

   Apparently the Washington Monument has been damaged. MSNBC says the Washington monument is leaning to left. Fox news says its to the right.

   REAL Rednecks read bedtime stories using their best "monster truck" voice.

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   If you want to insure you work in the field, bring something that needs to be microwaved for lunch :/

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!

   you know your a redneck if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!

   I wait for my cat. His litter box is right beside our toilet. When he shows up we do a synchronized poop, high five and then share a can of tuna.

   ok....am I the only one that sings "Come on Irene" laughs then knows I shouldnt?

   the worst kind of illness is the kind others do not see, or choose not to. Only when it's too late do they realize their ignorance.

   I hate when somebody claims they are mad at you but won't tell you why.

   Nobody is perfect, but don't use that excuse to cover up your mistakes and stupidity.

   I think if I ever had to get an X-ray on my leg or something, I'd hide a piece of metal under my clothes that looks like a ninja star. Then I'd casually say "Oh that's an old battle wound..."

   What did the left pu$$y lip say to the other? We used to be so tight until we let some d*ck come between us.

   I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it

   you know my phone battery kinda lasts a lot longer now that I don't have a girl freind .

   I don't know if this guy standing next to me is drunk or just a doofus, but be has his phone against his ear and it's on speaker!

   High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.