Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The DC Earthquake was caused by direct reverberations from the opposite side of the Earth. It's from China jumping up and down in anger when they realized they're not gonna get their money back.

   I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

   I know my limits. I don't pay any attention to them, but I know them

   likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.

   Ok Florida, we see your hurricane and raise you an earthquake

   Guess we should have been more specific about wanting a government shake up..

   Breaking News: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".

   California is so broke, that earthquakes are moving now to the DC areas.....

   According to the latest news coming out of Martha's Vineyard, Obama is blaming Bush for the 5.9 magnitude earthquake in Mineral, VA!!!

   Fellas : not a day should go by that your lady doesn't hear she's beautiful .

   Women may be the only thing that are easier to pick up as they get heavier.

   Though I was shuffling at work, turns out it was an earthquake..

   You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

   “You ask.” “No, you ask!” “Will you please ask?” “Why can't you ask?” “Fine… Hey my FRIEND wants to ask you something!”

   I think “Recession” is when your neighbor loses his job. “Depression” is when you lose yours. And “Recovery” is when Obama loses his.

   Ever noticed that things are so much funnier when you're not supposed to laugh and you know it's so wrong to?!

   A slut is simply a woman with the morals of a man.

   Earthquake- 1 ......my pants- 0 .....who knew that the earthquake would cause a mudslide.........

   When I ask my deaf girlfriend to have sex, I make her tug my pen!s once for "yes" and 50 times for "no"

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you.