Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend asked me for another word for incorrect. Of course, my answer was wrong.

   Ladies, don't go after ugly rich men. Make your own money so you can f*ck hot poor guys, like me

   Sow a thought, reap an act. Sow an act, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny!

   Surprised someone hasn't capitalized on a workout video for these sign holders.

   everybody stop complaining, just imagine how many bars of soap were dropped in prisons all up the east coast

   They have the cause of the earthquake narrowed down to either Obama's approval rating hitting the floor or the cemetery just outside of Washington DC. (You know, the one our Founding Fathers are in. They think that they all turned over in their graves.

   Fat girls think M.O.B stands for "McDonalds Or Burgerking"

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   We've been duped. After all the books I've read, I can't believe it took me this long to realize they are all written with just 26 letters rearranged in different order. What a rip-off.

   Why can't Chinese couples have caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a White!

   ..... Just heard that the Etch-a-Sketch art museum in DC was a total loss ...

   So why do people say they're speechless... And then give a speech?

   How is it that you can sue a cigarette company for cancer & Mcdonalds for getting fat, but you can't sue Budweiser for all the ugly people you've woke up next to?

   Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.

   I offered a bum a ride this morning but she refused to get in the trunk. You just can't help some people.

   If a lesbian c@ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   I may be a 32 year OLD man with a slight belly in just a dirty white T-shirt and Hanes boxer briefs, but when I'm on my patio having a smoke I pose like I'm in Calvin Klein Photo Shoot.

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   My girlfriend asked me what I would do if she were to die. I told her I'd probably do 25 to life.