Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anyone's Facebook acting strange today? Mine just tried to fondle me....

   Thank god I found the good in goodbye because I went through hell from the moment I said hello.

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumba$$ put my cape on backwards.”

   Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

   If i'm weird with you, it means I'm comfortable with you.

   Sometimes I can't blame these women for spying, stalking and researching on some of you men. Most of you be LMAO too much. LMAO as in Lying My A$$ Off.

   I discovered a new hidden talent, making women cry.

   Instead of saying, "Happy Birthday!" I'm going to start saying "Happy annual celebration of your successful escape from the womb."

   Ladies: Sometimes it's the mind games you play, that drive him into the arms of another woman.

   Looks like Jay-Z finally found that 100th problem.

   I've missed you so much, I've dreamt about you night after night. I can't believe I've lived without you, I know we will be together soon....Just 3 more days till college football!

   Beyonce is pregnant. She should of put a Nuva Ring on it

   Many admit to being fools for love. But only Foghat had the guts to admit to being fools for the city

   If you ever reach a point in life when you are 'too old' or 'too mature' to enjoy Hey Arnold, you're dead inside

   What food decreases a women's sex drive faster than anything else? Wedding cake

   If I were invisible the first thing I would do would be to beat the crap out of a mime. The people would love it!

   My computer beat me at chess, but I beat it at kickboxing

   This girl got all pissed off just because I was reading the back of her pants... so what if I was trying to read it in braille

   I hate these goody-two-shoe people who act like genitals are a curse from the devil himself when they actually a gift from god to be enjoyed at every given opportunity.

   Those females w a big a$$ who can't sit still in the club. They just have to walk by you 50 times. Yes yes I see it, its big, now sit down.