Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl: oh sh*t you feeling real freaky so you brought whip cream cherries and the syrup Guy: no b*tch I just wanted a sundae!

   and God said, "Let there be Friday" ..and the devil said, "Let there be beer"

   Your lips are tasting like Vodka and I just wanna get wasted.

   Dear huge spider that was in my shower, I'm sorry I killed you. The ugly fact of nature is I was just bigger than you. Had you been a hungry tiger...It would be me waded up in a kleen

   If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything...

   I am just happy to be real, in a world that has gone FAKE.

   You're the best part of my day

   Here's to anyone who has had their heart broken by someone... they have never dated.

   All of my old friends pretend to be content upon a shelf. They've all got little lives and little wives and little lies but little else.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   someone ended a tweet to me with "STFU." I've no doubt they were referring to St. Fu the patron saint of long mustaches.

   I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

   If I can make ONE person smile, laugh, or feel good about themselves every single day, then my purpose on this earth has been fulfilled. Everything else is there just to pass the time.

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you

   I really hope the guy from Microsoft can take some time out from his busy schedule to read the hundreds of error reports I send him daily

   I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked all my pet scissors.

   Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts

   There's three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way and the way that I do it.

   You are never quite as entertaining as when you come home from your night shift, walk head first thru a spider web, and dance the "Unmanly Web Tango" for the delight of all your neighbors, your teenage son, and his friends at the bus stop.