Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes if I get scared at night..I just tell myself there are no such things as ghost only clumsy ninjas....

   You would think old people would drive a lil faster...I mean its not like they have alot of time to waste..Right?

   My version of the hokey pokey doesn't include a lot of hokey.

   Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed

   I bet if you added them up Cher has had more surgeries than Chaz.

   ***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that I can get 100 tampons for $1.00... No Strings attached...but for a limited period ONLY!...A bloody good deal!

   Daughter: iPod.... Son: iPhone.......Mom: iPad.......Dad: iPay

   What's everyone doing for Labor day?? I think I'm gonna get right into the action and head over to the maternity ward..... :) :) :)

   There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   I just called bullsh!t but it went straight to voicemail.

   My girlfriend left me because she was sick of my xbox puns. I guess we didn't really kinect.

   all in all you're just another 'update' in the wall.

   imagine how pissed Batman gets whenever Robin uses foursquare. "The location of the Bat Cave is meant to be a secret, so STOP checking in!"

   Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip

   So the women of facebook are ## weeks and craving ???? . . the # relates to the month they were born, and the craving is the date (secret emails) . supposed to raise awareness for cancer, only this it makes me aware of is how sneaky women are

   May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

   Dear Fellow Motorist, When your nosehairs get so long you have a boog flapping in the wind hanging on for dear life that can be seen one lane over, I think it's time to invest in a trimmer. Sincerely, Really Grossed Out

   I saw a girl with a belly ring. She must've weighed 400 lbs. That belly ring turned out to be a hitch.

   Where there's a will I want to be in it

   You never see the guys putting big advertisement signs up on the highways