Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Tip for today's value shopper: Keep UPC's in your pocket and use the self-checkout."

   Why do men twist their wedding ring? They are trying to work out the combination.

   It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.

   So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had to wait 40 years to get his own momunent, and then they make it out of white marble? Awkward...

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   The difference between making love and f*cking is the condition of the furniture afterward.

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

   A creepy clown? A robber wearing a cape? A purple gluttonous blob? If you think about it, the McDonald's mascots are horrifying.

   I went to fill out an application/job interview today. When I got to: "position applying for"........... I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and a "LOL." I think I NAILED it!!

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   My neighbor let me borrow his car on one condition, that I treat it like I would my own. So I guess I get to fill the floor board with fast food bags and keep it until it gets repoed!

   I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..

   ok Doc, give up... your not funny.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even convince a girl to sleep with me.

   I'm laying on my Girlfriends yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline" pose.

   I don't get why people drive old cop cars! Damn it, I had to chug that beer quickly..oh well I'll just open another.

   if you text me "lol", I will reply "prove it"

   I can't wait for the Columbine themed episode of Glee.

   If you're attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler!

   Sometimes I call Domino's Pizza and order a pie. I ask them to repeat the order, then I say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99...please pull up to the first window."