Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would have much more respect for someone if they personally sh!t on my lawn rather than have their dog as an intermediary.

   All hot women should be seen in 3-D. That's my apartment #. 3-D.

   ■If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. ~D.Larson

   Im gonna start my own all white rap group and call it "HWG".....Honkies With Gratitude

   With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.

   I ask Google the questions I'm too scared to ask other people.

   Before you go on and say how glad and relieved you are that you dodged that bullet, make sure that the bullet is not saying the same thing.

   Due to the holiday my status will be closed... I Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.. Enjoy your day people!!

   Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it's strapped to the top of someone's car.

   Before you get married try walking with your partner through IKEA. If you don't end up in an argument, you're good to go.

   Labor Day, when we briefly pause from demonizing unions to enjoy mattress sales in their honor.

   Bumper stickers from past elections are the tramp stamps of the automobile world.

   if you don't have a job on Labor day, celebrate by finding a job.

   What's with these silly women always talking about how they don't need a man in their lives? B*tch, I also don't need a Ferrari but you don't hear me talking about it every damn minute.

   D*CK-RID·ING² [dik,rahy-ding] - noun. The Act of Continuously OVER-praising an individual, with intentions of being noticed.

   It sucks when you're on Facebook, and you see people having more fun in their lives than you do.

   If you can't tell if a girl is fat or pregnant, don't say anything.

   Wow, you're tall. Do you play basketball? ..Wow, you're short. Do you play mini golf?

   Don't make fun of a fat guy with a lisp. He's probably thick and tired of it.

   How do I approach my neighbors and tell them that their WiFi isn't working properly and they might need to reset the modem?