Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chapstick should be marketed as making-out lube.

   Since today is Labor Day, I am dressing up as a union goon and beating up everyone with a different opinion from mine

   Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies!

   If plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.

   The condoms I use are so sensitive thet stick around to talk to the chick for an hour afer I leave.

   Colonel Khadafi looks like Carlos Santana.

   Preview of Obama's job speech: I may need one in two years.

   I gotta think Peyton Manning's neck injury has something to do with that giant forehead of his.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   asks..what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   alright ladies! Lets sing a song! If you're drunk and you know it,c raise you shirt!

   In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

   My girl came down from taking a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my vajayjay in the bath and you know what that means?" I said, "The drain is clogged?"

   Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.

   The later I get, the drunker it is.

   The best thing about the internet: It's available to everyone. The worst thing about the internet: - It's available to everyone.

   shoutout to all the ugly b!tch's who have "pretty girl rock" as their ringtone.

   They say you never forget your first love and it's true, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about beer.

   If Morgan Freeman was smart then he would record himself giving his eulogy.