Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sangria is like naughty Kool Aid.

   Your Disinterest In My Future...Explains Your Role In It.

   I went to a pizzeria yesterday that puts marijuana instead of oregano in their sauce. I ended up eating 30 pizzas.

   For a minute, I thought someone was abducting douchebags and tagging their ears, then letting them back in to the wild... turns out it's just their bluetooth..

   Saying “oh!” like you get it. But you still have no idea.

   How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.

   Happy Birthday to one of my ex girlfriends. I can't remember which one, but I know one of you has a birthday today.

   The University of Maryland uniforms were so ugly.....How ugly are they???So ugly that a University of Miami player was overheard saying "You couldn't pay me to wear those uniforms"

   I'm gonna go old school and drop my status updates in an envelope and start mailing them to all my friends daily to help bail out the Post Office...

   WORDS OF ADVICE: Whenever she says "I think we should see other people", what she really means is that she's been seeing someone else behind your back for weeks and has now grown tired of the charade.

   When I give a quick witted response to a question, I want my friends to clap and say "good answer" several times Family Feud style.

   Baskin-Robbins just sent a memo to Rosie O'Donnell-"Thanks to you, we're down to only 5 flavors!"

   When you give it all you got, you sometimes end up with nothing.

   Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted a$$hole.

   Today is Teachers Day. Any other whiskies should not be allowed...

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are

   If you watch Titanic backwards, . It is a heart warming tale of a Ship Which jumps out of the water And Saves lots of drowning people . . .

   Would like like to thank all the women that lowered their standards and went out with me on a date.

   Restaraunt pagers for long waits can be fun. Just ask to use the toilet while waiting then apologize to the Hostess for dropping it in the really messy toilet as youre seated. Note the look on her face and have fun reliving that moment as you finally eat

   New game. We go out and get like 20 Tazers and play Tazer tag.