Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.

   Been in the back yard trip'in on shrooms... Stepped on those slippery little b@stards and busted my ass.

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

   I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

   If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

   I sure hope someday the "Ghost Hunters" will realize that the tapping sound is not something only ghosts can make.

   I told my dad off today. I said, “Dad, I'm a grown man so STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD!” It worked. He gave me a juice box for standing up for myself.

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a pill bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Bazaar Magazine's new cover features Lady Gaga on it without any makeup or crazy wigs on. P Diddy says she needs to change her name like he did. Might I suggest Lady Gag Gag?

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   Me: Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes?...I thought we had til 2012? Mayans: Sorry about that...forgot to carry the 1.

   TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

   FML!.....oh wait not M, I meant Y.....FYL!!! haha, jk

   women dont trust women, why should i???

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   The Press is going on and on about how Beyonce has bared her "Baby Bump".Apparently she was successful in getting f*cked.Big Whoop! All the other members of Destiny's Child got f*cked a long time ago.

   I care about who wins tonight's GOP Debate about as much as I care about who wins one of those fake wrestling smackdowns. Actually put all the GOP contenders in a cagematch where they can smack each other with folding chairs and I might actually watch it.