Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today, my wife told me I'm immature. I replied, 'I know you are but what am I?'

   My mother never breast fed me. She told me she likes me as a friend.

   "Addadictome",,,,,,,,,,,,,You know,, It's a procedure,,,, I think Chaz Bono had it.

   Sometimes it's like my wife and I aren't even related.

   #CoinStar guaranteed walk of shame for $10 bucks

   hey Ladies...I just noticed that I stick my tongue out in concentration when I wipe my butt. It's pretty adorable... still single

   Chaz Bono to be on Dancing with the stars: Babe, It's not you babe.

   Chapstick should be marketed as making-out lube.

   Since today is Labor Day, I am dressing up as a union goon and beating up everyone with a different opinion from mine

   Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies!

   If plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.

   The condoms I use are so sensitive thet stick around to talk to the chick for an hour afer I leave.

   Colonel Khadafi looks like Carlos Santana.

   Preview of Obama's job speech: I may need one in two years.

   I gotta think Peyton Manning's neck injury has something to do with that giant forehead of his.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a chicken to have six legs so his kids didn't fight over the drumsticks. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   asks..what's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   alright ladies! Lets sing a song! If you're drunk and you know it,c raise you shirt!

   In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?