Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   do me a favor, next time you have to "go to the left of your profile and select the first 8 friends", just go ahead and punch yourself in the face. And remember, NO CHEATING!!

   Site owner must be Christian, he don't like words even remotely close to bad.

   no matter how hard it rains, two dudes under one umbrella is a little gay

   I keep being told what to watch for in the GOP debate tonight......I checked every channel and it's not televised, Thank God.

   Be a good listener, your ears will never get you in trouble

   I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying "Aaaaay!" And calling me "Richie".

   I'm going to start referring to babies as "crypods"

   does anyone else only watch the show "Hardcore Pawn" cause they read the title wrong? Asking for a friend.

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition

   I remember a time when our country put aside its differences and came together as one. To show our contempt for Hollywood awards shows.

   has 2 mysterious people living in our house... Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and nobody knows who!

   if swimming is great exercise, explain whales to me?

   Tsunami? Wild Fires? Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes?...I thought we had til 2012?

   It sucks being a Jewish kid, at my birthdays instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey we played pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door.

   Typing a huge paragraph with your true feelings, but then erasing it and typing “yeah…”

   My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

   Username or Password Incorrect” … You couldn't just tell me which one?

   Relationships are like a card game. You start off with 2 Hearts and a Diamond, then end up wishing you had a Club and Spade.

   You have six kids with six different fathers and you're on this online dating site looking for a honest and committed man with no kids...ok..good luck....

   Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.