Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If your wife can't handle a compliment, maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!"

   Stop criminals and repeat offenders - DO NOT re-elect them!

   How come Obama doesn't eat pickles? because he can't get his head in the jar...

   Last night I was two women shy of having a threesome...

   It's just amazing how much has changed since we got bin Laden.

   You simply have not lived until your dad's sperm fertilizes your mother's egg.

   You Cant Tell Me Casey Anthony and Kreayshawn DON'T look alike.

   Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate

   Sarah Palin said, "Polls are for strippers." Cute. Guess what Grandma? Birth control pills are for teenagers.

   In other news Apple bans apples from all grocery stores.

   really need to stop phoning my mobile to find out where I've put it then thinking “Oooh, missed call!” when I find it. What a dumbass

   Cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who the fock am I kidding....I'm watching ESPN and having a beer(s)

   The next Bond title already causing controversy. "Pissypants Fingerbang".

   I nicknamed my legs ‘options' because I like to keep them open.

   Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

   If you ask for my opinion, don't get upset when I give it to you.

   This girl was staring at me while licking her lips and I thought to myself 'Wow! She's really flexible.'

   Anyone else think Ashley on "Hardcore Pawn" comes off as such a C you Next Tuesday?

   When I put sea salt on fish, I wonder if they may already know each other.

   I'm feeling a little superheroish, so tonight I'm wearing my speedo on top of my jeans when I go out.