Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people just need a kiss...on the side of the head...with a metal bat

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet. But only for about 30 seconds.

   Fridays are like a metaphor for mullets.....Business during the day, and partying at night!

   Just got the new Payton Manning Bobble Head Doll....But the head won't move!!

   Her: The trash needs taken' out....Me (pushing trash down): NOPE, it's good!!

   Trying to pop a zit in the middle of my back with bar-b-que tongs and a mirror.....sucks living alone.

   The streets are jam packed full of cars this morning... that speech last night must of created a ton of jobs...get real people

   Had a great past weekend at Myrtle Beach with my girlfriend. She only caught me looking twice at women on the beach... The bruises are almost gone....!!!!

   Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale!!

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begging, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're wishing you had a club and a spade.

   What you give to a woman is multiplied. Give her sperm, she gives you baby. Give her a house, she gives a home. Give her groceries, she gives you a meal. Give her a smile, she gives you her heart. Give her a little crap, she gives you a ton of sh!t.

   Apple's new major social breakthrough - a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 - $799, depending on cup size and speakers. Nore more complaints about how he just stares at your chest and doesn't listen!

   Why do meteorologists try and educate me on the workings of mother nature?  Dude, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow...

   If Facebook ever starts showing how many times a person has visited someone's profile, a lot of people are going to have some explaining to do.

   It's a good thing the Giants are not playing the Jets this Sunday. Remember, the Giants lost last time they met.

   Why would you want to be reminded of how 9/11 was. That was a horrific day that I would prefer not to be reminded of.

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   Sorting out your Facebook friends list? Change the date of your birthday and anyone who wishes you happy birthday, delete!

   Life's cruel when you think it is, life's happy when you feel it is, and life's best when you enjoy it as it is.

   I hate when a singer I can't stand comes out with a song that is UNLIKE them and I like it and don't even realize it is them. Then someone tells me who it is and it ruins the song for me.