Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people walk away I check to make sure my phone is still there.

   I don't always drink coffee, but when I do I drink Starbucks Pumkin spiced latte. Stay caffienated my friends.

   When people ask me if I want to stay on their friends list I just send a short message saying "Don't Taze me Bro"

   "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." :)

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumbass put my cape on backwards"

   "if I knew then what I know now...I'd probably still find a way to screw it up!"

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can nail a three pointer while spinning in an office chair. You Sir, are what we call hired!"

   if someone ever asks you what your favorite kind of beer is tell them " An open one!"

   Obama's jobs plan is that he has sold America to Apple and you are all working for them now

   Pro tip: Naming your auto repair establishment "Rim Job" may end up biting you in the A$$

   Dear Soulja Boy- your music sucks even more than it did before! Way to insult the Soldiers who buy your music. PRICK!

   Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

   They say life is one long and crazy ride. I wanna know how the hell did I get a ticket and can I get a refund!

   I saw a baby wearing a onesie that said..."I'm what happened in Vegas".

   If it doesn't kill me the first time... your damn right I'm gunna do it again!!

   I'm aging like a fine wine ... which is to say, I'm building up pressure and about to become uncorked!

   I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

   "I think Pimples should be Cool...because if you rearrange the letters, you get Le Pimp" -Katt Williams

   Had to call 911 today. They asked what my emergency was, I said, I'm being raped and robbed at the same time. They asked where I was, I said, The Gas Station!

   The way my first love would just melt in my hands,with kisses so sweet,and open hearts full of delicious memories- yes even the decadent Bars that brought us together. Truth is you never forget your first love...especially when its Chocolate.