Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Sorry" isn't a verb so don't expect it to fix things for you.

   If you don't want a parking ticket, put your wipers on high.

   It's funny how when funky smellin powder is sent thru the mail anonomously Homeland Security is all over that sh*t. But when the same kind of funky smellin powder fills the air everytime Hef takes off his daiper at the Playboy Mansion no one gives a sh*t.

   Never wait until a woman is fed up for you to start cherishing and appreciating her.

   it possible for an Asian to take a picture without making a peace sign?

   Hugh Hefner has totally ruined blond jokes for me. Inside of every blond joke there's a Hugh Hefner joke dying to be told.

   I see dead people.......a lot easier since I started using my Bushnell 3200 Tactical Elite rifle scope.

   It's a grill kind of day!! I'm an Omnivore however in a gesture of sensitivity to Vegans everywhere, today I'm only gonna eat vegetarian animals .

   its hard "not to judge a book by its cover" when its barely covered, orange, wearing pounds of makeup, fake eyelashes, and bleach blonde.

   That rather uneasy moment when someone compliments you and you can't find anything to compliment them on.

   Soup of the day: Tequila.

   Girls cheat if there's something wrong with the relationship; guys cheat if there's an opportunity to get away with it.

   My wife gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument.

   I am 99.9% sure she doesn't like me and will never date me. But it's that 0.1% that keeps me going

   The 3 stages of love and relationship: 1. Anywhere sex, fairly self explanatory. 2. Bedroom sex, it only happens here and at night if you aren't too tired 3. Hall Sex, where you walk past each other in the hall and yell "Screw You!"

   its funny how those who cry "tolerance" and "open-minded" are so intolerant and closed-minded to philosophies other than their own...

   Potatoes have skin, you have skin. Therefore you are a potato.

   Lord, give me patience or a really good lawyer.

   I know that I'm worth the wait. If you can't be patient and wait for me then I know you're not worth it.

   Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are one and the same.