Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not everyone is meant to be taken seriously.

   Nurses know Vicks Vapo Rub helps when you hear a minor cough, Robitussin helps when you hear a hoarse cough, and Mucinex helps when you hear a congested cough. Sadly no one knows what will help you when you hear a Fuh Cough.

   A Doctor working in a Nursing Home found that 90% of his patients were really concerned about laxatives. The rest could give a sh!t.

   Rich people who own fancy Bidet/Toilet combos to cleanse themselves after bowel movements tend to look down on regular people. To them we're all just a bunch of a$$wipes.

   Product Surveys suggest 4 out of 5 women will use any brand of facial tissue to blow there noses. The other one is just picky.

   Studies say 9 out of 10 Doctors drink Apple Juice as a part of a healthy diet. The other one is a Uroligist.

   Dear sleep, I miss u. Come find me I'll be waiting ;-)

   No wonder why Lebron James is a cowboy fan, they have one thing in common, they play good for 3 quarters.

   Trust Is Like An Eraser It Gets Smaller&&Smaller After Every Mistake!!!

   Never trust the word of a man who wears a wig.

   According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!

   I just invented a mirror that takes pics....i am gonna be rich

   I really should bring the chair at work home with me so I can get some sleep at night...

   Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures,...... Then uploads directly to Facebook.......

   i got pulled over tonight and the officer asked if i'd been drinking. I replied "why do I have a fat chic in the car"?

   Hi, I'm Morgan Freeman. You're reading this in my voice aren't you?

   My G/F gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument. Then took it away by never letting me forget it.

   If you go flying back in time and see someone flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact

   Facebook = Heavily populated city. Twitter = Just a vacation spot. Myspace = A ghost town.

   Life is like Facebook. People will LIKE your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.