Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God grant me the strenghth not to throat punch anyone taday, Amen!

   I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   The NFL post game show is the male version of The View.

   "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja

   I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

   What are you doing here? Was there a jailbreak at the zoo?

   Mosquito season is here. Put a fabric softener dryer sheet in your pocket to keep those pesky critters at bay. Even if it doesn't work, the Skeeters will be velvety soft and attain an April Fresh scent.

   I'm immune to your accusations of homophobia.Some of my best shirts are gay.

   Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came, I saw, I stuck around.

   I celebrated 9/11 by swiping towels from motels that were not American owned. Take THAT, Towel Heads.

   The Jeremy Kyle show........ The only place a baby has more teeth than all 4 of it's parents put together

   So my girlfriend thinks we should move in together. I told her no. She asked why, I said "you have bad habits" she paused and asked "what habits?" to this I gave thought, and said "your cooking"

   Researchers have indicated that one anonymous sperm donor has fathered over 1200 children in the past 20 years...Unfortunately for him, he had to retire after he blew out his elbow! ツ

   At least they performed better than the Ram pickup you push to Kragen every day...lol.----Okay, not original but I HAD to do it!

   Women need to learn that, "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who harbour secret ambitions of banging you someday.

   People tell me that opportunity is just around the corner don't realize I'm walking in circles in this terrible job market.

   The Kardashian Sisters would make great Vampires. They all have that dark exotic look, they're talented suckers, and live the night life well. The only thing they couldn't handle about Vampirism is not being able look at themselves in a mirror any more.

   Everything you do is fine. Anything I do is a crime.

   When I realized that a bus stops at a bus station and a train stops at a train station, I finally understood why my boss calls his desk a "Work Station".