Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.

   Life is like a vacuum cleaner, as soon as you make a firm step, it starts to suck.

   motto of the day is: Sin, Repent, Repeat.

   Words will only hurt when you believe them.

   I take a viagr@ tablet every night before I go to sleep... stops me from rolling out of bed!

   Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.

   69 will never be a normal number.

   We all have a family member who think they're a professional photographer.

   WEED IS BAD! We should burn it.

   One of my favorite hobbies before Facebook was having a life.

   "Police! OPEN the damn Door" "Not with that attitude, Mister."

   Condom Ad: If you are not 100% satisfied with our product , Happy Fathers Day!

   I'm now willing to admit that we're stuck with polka dots. They're not f***ing going anywhere.

   It's normal to have a breakfast chat alone in your kitchen with the ghost of Nell Carter, right?

   There's a reminder on my calendar for tomorrow that inexplicably just says "LEOPARD". This has been bothering me all month.

   This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.

   I love food samples. I hate the whole routine that comes after: pick up the product, nod, all while having no intention of buying it.

   Remember that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.

   I don't mind when older folks decide to relax and slow down. I just wish they wouldn't do it in their cars.