Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need a lawyer and bail money.

   Me, wait for you? No thanks! I've stretched the game out, crossed your name out. This man has moved on to better things.

   Dear REALITY TV: You're doing it completely wrong. Sincerely, REALITY

   WESTBORO BAPTIST'S: Military Funeral Protesters who'll one day bring their glowing personalities and heartwarming words to the Nether-Regions they'll share with other sincere folks like Hitler, Dahmer, Gacy, and Jack the Ripper.

   Living life through a recession; Got cereal, no milk. Got ham, no bread. Got love but no lover. Got juice but no gin.

   They say it gets easier with time, but I guess when you let someone really special go, you'll spend the rest of your life just missing them.

   Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he asked me, What's on your mind?

   Roger Ebert called. He's giving your online performance of "The Worlds Biggest A$$hole" two enthusiastic thumbs up. Way up.

   A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums.

   Having sex with someone who doesn't love you is like having sex with a cactus; it will leave you hurt and devastated.

   Politicians should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.

   I just heard Alicia Silverstone had a son and named it Bear Blu. Now I wonder if it's mere coincidence that she starred in Clueless.

   God made you and me, then he whispered, "Meant to be''

   That annoying feeling you get when you're dying to talk to someone, but your pride won't allow you to text them first.

   Referring back to one of my earlier posts I'm pretty sure I could eat a couple of bowls of Alpha-Bits Cereal and poop out better Rap Lyrics than what's in most Soulja Boy Rap Songs.

   Some people don't fall in love; they drown in it.

   What do I say to some poor schmuck who tells me he can out insult me on line? Nothing. I have a hard time talking while laughing hysterically.

   Some say motivation doesn't last, but so is bathing. That is why I recommend it daily.

   I'm not surprised when I see some poor coward insult me online anonomously. What's surprising is that he could pull himself away from his Post T Vac and his new episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" long enough to type something intelligible.

   Don't sweat it when an Anonomous Cyber Bully says something insulting or points out your blunders online. Fact is that most of us could eat a can of Alphabet Soup and sh!t better responses than their posts which is what they hide from in the 1st place.