Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

   I assume "Luftballons" is German for "bottles of beer on the wall"

   My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0-200 in 2 seconds flat when shes in it. I gave her a scale

   A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP."

   Facebook is a like real life in that I don't think of the witty reply until 5 or 6 days after the conversation happened.

   A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums... Unless of course that woman is an alcoholic sexual deviant, then 'real' no longer applies.

   Never marry a tennis player----love means nothing to them!

   Funny how they call it common sense when it seems so rare.

   I remember September 11th like it was only yesterday.

   Just saw a baby with a shirt that said, not everything stays in Vegas.

   Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children

   The cops knocked on my door today & told me that my dog attacked a man on a bike. I told them to quit lying. My dog don't own a bike!

   If your going to hit my car with your door, then stare at me like ur mind me..and I ask you if you have a problem, man up and don't walk away..Stupid 90 year old lady in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks...

   Sometimes you have to walk through a field of weeds to find the perfect marijuana.

   "Common sense..its in high demand... And short supply"

   People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

   Am I weird because, I'm just sitting in my boat drinking a beer? Oh I forgot to mention the boat is in the driveway.

   Just washed down a multi vitamin with a corona.

   I dont need anger management classes. You need STFU classes

   ive heard the old saying that "opportunity is just around the corner" but sometimes a hooker is around that corner so is the hooker your opportunity?