Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope you have pet insurance because I'm about to destroy your p*ssy.

   My bro thought putting holes in my condoms was funny, funny thing is now his girl is pregnant..

   It doesn't matter what other people think, as long as you know the truth then that's all that matters

   I don't mind drinking 1% milk as long as the other other 99% is some combination of vodka and Kahlua.

   Why did the girl cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we were at three hours ago.

   Two guys are in a gym locker room, one is putting on lace thong. "Since when do you wear women's thongs?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

   I hate Fridays that aren't payday. Sometimes this day makes me wish I had a Viking Helm so I could walk into the payroll office and yell "It's MY money and I need it nooooow!!!"

   "When life handed ME lemonaid I turned it into Hard Lemonaid"- Mike

   Day five of the Insanity Workout. Ten minutes of talking to a mailbox... Followed by an hour at McDonald's with a sword.

   If you want to find a missing person, put their pictures on cigarettes. Smokers are the only ones standing outside in all kinds of weather.

   come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I heard a car alarm go off for a legit reason

   ESPN's Ron Jaworski just apologized for saying "sh*t" live on the air during Monday Night Football. Which just goes to prove that 90% of sportscasters don't notice to all the dumb krap that comes outta there own mouths anyway.

   Bank of America puts the "fun" in overfunded bailout money receivers.

   I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.

   "When life handed me political aides I turned them into Lemonaides"- Bill Clinton

   The only yoga stretch I have perfected is the yawn.

   Just burped a raptor call..

   ¡¡¡ ʎɐʍʎuɐ ʎɐpɥʇɹıq ʎddɐɥ llǝʍ ˙pǝxıɟ ɹǝʇndɯoɔ ʎɯ ʇǝƃ ɐʇʇoƃ ı ʍou ʇnq ʇuǝsǝɹd ɐ noʎ ʇǝƃ oʇ ʎǝuoɯ ɐɹʇxǝ ǝɯos pɐɥ ı ˙ʎppnq ʎɹɹos

   God-damnit, you are giving me attitude, stress, grief, heartache and you are not even my girlfriend.

   "This is your status update.sƃnɹp uo ǝʇɐpdn snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ. Any questions?"- Nancy Reagan