Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said "This dumbass put my cape on backwards."

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it "Decisions, Decisions".

   Tequila is the Clear History button of my brain

   throwing a party. If you can catch it, you can attend it!

   My parents used to be happy when I took naps… but now they think I'm lazy.

   You don't HAVE to be in love to have sex, but you do have to quit squirming away,

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?

   Life will be good when I wake at this hour, yawn, stretch, find the cold spot on my pillow and go back to sleep because I'm retired and rich from lottery winnings.

   If you pull up to a red light and the car next is on their phone step on the gas and brake, and watch how far they go

   you know you're totally screwed when the guy who stole your identity begs you to take it back."

   Here's a bit of advice for you....ADVI

   Porn does nothing to me but cause hard feelings anymore

   Check this one out.........1

   Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean.

   I've yet to see a pair of boots that"weren't" made for walking.

   Sometimes you're the poo and sometimes you're the shoe.

   My life is like this. I need a spoon but the only thing they offer are chopsticks.

   Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

   It's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually , It's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.